Airtel signs Ashish Nehra as new brand ambassador

Bharti Airtel, India's top cellular operator, which recently underwent a brand makeover, has now decided to have a new brand ambassador. The Sunil Bharti Mittal led enterprise has now signed a five year deal with India pacer Ashish Nehra. Mr. Mittal unveiled Nehra to glittering ceremony attended by a few journalists, and many umpires, who have had to unwillingly face Nehra on his way back to his bowling mark.

Explained Mr. Mittal - "Our new brand ambassador has been chosen in tune with the reception our new logo has received. Since hardly few people appreciate the new logo, we decided to rope in someone who gets hardly noticed. What better choice than Ashish Nehra, who has been in the Indian team for years, and yet has hardly been mentioned in columns, acted in advertisements or been called water-boy by the crowd. Nehra also invokes self-pity after being smashed for boundaries over after over. With hundreds of crores being spent on rebranding, and still none noticing, we're in the same position. There you go, another similarity!"

After some thought, Mittal explained that Nehra also stood for the company's commitment and positioning in the public. "Airtel resonates trust among its users, the same way batsmen trust Ashish Nehra's bowling. His chased-by-a-stray-dog-running-with-a-hurt-leg run up makes even an under-12 batsman trust his bad balls. Also, our services and products are very transparent. Nehra is synonymous with transparency in the cricketing world. I mean, no bowler would grin at the umpire, symbolically show 'outside the stump line' with his hands, shake his head and mouth 'Outside ehhh?' after a loud LBW appeal! Even umpires get bewildered."

It has been learnt that the advertisements featuring Nehra will be handled by O&M ads. O&M has made critically acclaimed ads like the very creative Zandu balm ad featuring Delhi Daredevils players dancing on a running train. Sources revealed that the new Airtel ad would be very similar to the classic Nijam Paaku tamil ad. The Nijam Pakku ad shows a kid's face morphing into an adult's face, which morphs into a grandfather's face, to show the compatibility of Nijam pakku with all age groups. The same way, the new ad would feature SS Das's face, which morphs into Vijay Bharadwaj's face, which morphs to Nikhil Chopra's face, and finally to a grinning Nehra's face (all hardly noticed players), which then magically morphs into the new stylish Airtel swoosh.

"Talk less, fart more" -Dr. Ferguson

After years of research, thousands of tests on subjects and billions of dollars on funding, scientists at John Hopkins University have finally concluded that the best way to release stress and mental tensions, and rejuvenate the self is by farting. JHU is famous for ground-breaking and life-changing researches like 'Classroom sleepers make better boardroom managers','Watching porn movies helps increase attention span of teenagers' and 'Justin Bibier makes men feel more confident about their appearances'.

Says lead researcher Dr.Ferguson - "Essentially, farting is all about releasing non-essential gases from the body, thus making one feel lighter. It helps one feel more calm, relaxed and happy. Why, by Newton's third law, a good fart helps one progress forward in life."

Dr.Ferguson also said farting outweighed all other forms of relaxation like yoga, oil-massage, meditation, etc. He also explained the various advantages of farting over other rejuvenation techniques. "Farting is an instantaneous activity. It doesn't consume much time. I mean, if you missed your deadline, and your boss yells at you, what would you do? Sit on the carpet and do yoga? Or turn your back and fart? Farting helps one relax anywhere, any number of times."

Going a step further, JHU's Institute of Fartography has classified, and named different types of farting, and has also recommended each for a unique form of relaxation. Farting has mainly been classified into 4 main types - B.U.R, bussss, PUrrrr, pssss....sss.

* B.U.R - half a second, non-gaseous, odour-free, high decibel.

* bussss - 3 to 5 seconds, gaseous, odour-free, zero decibel, hissing sound fart.

* PUrrrr - 4 to 6 seconds, gaseous/non-gaseous,odour/odourless, descending sound intensity, hungry kitten fart.

* pssss...sss - 6 to 8 seconds, highly gaseous, terminal odour, zero-decibel, identifiable only by guilt on the face killer bomb.

Continued Dr. Ferguson - "Each of the above should be used at different situations. Inappropriate use could kill the joy of farting. B.U.R should be used when.. like your boss announces your salary appraisal has been cancelled. You feel like saying Fu*k. Just substitute it with B.U.R. You could bussss when you patiently sit down and analyse why your appraisal has been cancelled. You PUrrrr when you're really hurt. Like when you learn your subordinate has an appraisal and you don't. Its a "Why me??"fart. You psss...sss when you finally find out the whole world is against your appraisal, give up all hopes, and don't give a damn to others. Farting is in fact a beautiful way of non-verbal communication."

Dr. Ferguson has received funding from the European Union for his further research to prove that contrary to popular perception, the size of a human being is inversely proportional to the sound intensity of his fart. Signing off, he advised mankind to talk less and fart more, and that a fart a day keeps everyone away.

How Nira Radia made 300 crores in 9 years

Retired CBI cop Subbiah, who heads the secret committee formed by the government to probe into how Nira Radia amassed 300 crores in 9 years, has submitted a simple, one paragraph report to the Prime Minister's Office. As is usual, journalists read the report even before the PM did. Writes Subbiah - "It is astounding and a matter of utmost shame that the CBI couldn't crack such a simple case. Nira Radia had been using a Virgin Mobile SIM, and she had been getting paid for incoming. Considering that her clientele include Ratan Tata, Anil Ambani and other top-shots, it is no surprise that she received incoming calls of long durations. It was just a matter of applying logic. I would strongly advice the PMO to look into the falling standards of CBI officers." Subbiah, a 1970 batch IPS officer, is also an alumni of the first batch of "Vendan All Pass Tutorials".

Meanwhile, several entrepreneurs, taking a cue from Nira Radia, have started making crores of money. Their strategy involves sticking "Earn 1 lakh per month. No investment required. Call 9001002010" posters in trains and buses. When called, they simply respond by asking the caller to purchase Virgin Mobile and stick similar posters all over the city. It is being rumored that the wallpaper of all Tamilnadu State Transport Corporation employees has been changed to such posters.

In business news, Airtel has announced that it will rename its "Call your loved ones @ 10 paise per minute" plan to "Nira Radia-Ratan Tata" night time calls plan". The move is expected to offer customers more clarity and connect with the rate-cutter plan.

How do satirists impress girls??

Every man has a constant urge to impress his opposite sex. Every man has his own unique way of impressing women, using skill sets that he was either born with, or arts that he was forced to learn as a child because his parent's colleague's children were learning them too. Such skills or arts include music, dancing, karate, swimming, abacus, etc etc.

Now here is my question. How can a person, devoid of any of the above mentioned type of skills, impress girls? Well, I've been having problems impressing girls right from a very young age. Like from when I was 5 years old or so. The 10 to 15 years-older-than-me girls never found me cute. I mean, I was no match for Vignesh who would run around my apartment naked, chanting all countries-and-their-capitals, getting hair-ruffles or kisses from the gorgeous girls. Out of ambition, I remember I once removed all my clothes and ran around, but I couldn't really get the capitals right. After New Delhi, I could only say Chennai, and then Mambalam, Chromepet, Saidapet. Of course none noticed my antics except Giri, another poor boy who didn't know countries and capitals. Giri appointed me conductor, and himself driver and offered to play driver-conductor with me.

Relatively speaking, I can safely say I was born with a decent sense of humor and sarcasm. Yes, girls did laugh at some of the jokes, but I couldn't really get a move on. So satire or humor as an art for impressing chicks didn't work for me.

There was this fancy dress competition in school. On stage was Prabhu, dressed up as Lord Ganesha, left hand in mouth, right hand in 'blessing' posture as his parents had taught him, reciting "Gajananam bhootha ganaathi...", elongating every word for like 10 seconds. When he finally did finish, all the 10th to 12th standard 'akkas' ran to him and pinched his cheeks, with 'soooo cute' comments. I found him totally stupid! I mean, if he was Lord Ganesha, why was he reciting "Gajanam" and seeking his own blessings for himself?? It was my turn next. I was pretty confident I would get more cheek-pinches than Prabhu. I went on stage, forgot my lines, mistook the mike for a cone ice-cream, bit it, made everyone laugh, but well, no cheek-pinches. I realized my incompetency at that very young age.

Years passed by. While my friends were impressing girls dropping catches, singing the same song every annual day, writing the same "Is technology a boon or bane" essay every year, here I was, making fun of them, but unable to meet their popularity. One sudden day, I realized I have a talent too - satire. I remembered an artist friend of mine, passing on his album to girls, impressing every single one of them. I decided to follow suit. I planned to write a satire about Suresh Kalmadi, print it on flyers, and distribute it to every good looking girl I saw. But next day, there was some A.Raja and I realized people wouldn't really be able to connect with my satire about Kalmadi. I thought I'd become an artist too, atleast to impress girls. But beyond a point, I couldn't really innovate the two-mountains-orange sun-in-between-two crows art of mine.

So I really don't have another option other than satire. But hell, many girls don't even know what satire is!! Yeah, I do get positive comments from Tweeters and bloggers occasionally. But girls?? No-no. Unless Zulquarnin Haider disappears or re-appears on my annual day or culturals, and I'm allowed to live-stream my blog article on stage, I don't think I stand a chance.

Nira Radia, Ratan Tata, A. Raja and more

Sting operation journalists have finally cracked open the mystery as to why Mr. Ratan Tata, head of the Tata conglomerate, is so uncomfortable with his Nira Radia telephonic converstions going public. It has been learnt that, all these days, Mr. Tata had never ever called Nira Radia. Rather, he'd only been giving her missed calls, and it was Miss Radia who kept calling Mr. Tata back. Despite several protests, requests, warnings and profanities from Radia, Mr. Tata had simply refused to recharge his mobile account, and continued to irritate Miss Radia with his missed call antics.

It was in this backdrop that Nira Radia had lobbied with former Telecom Minister A. Raja. Together, the Radia-Raja duo had siphoned off funds from the Telecom Department Exchequer to frequently top up Ratan Tata's Docomo SIM, often Rs.10 denominations. This has infuriated a number of law officials. Said an official under anonymity - "Under the UPA government norms, we have a lower cap or minimum amount that can be robbed off common man's tax money. This lower cap is determined and increased every financial quarter. For this quarter, the cap is Rs. 1 crore. By not being able to siphon off Rs. 1 crore, Ratan Tata has brazenly violated the law of the land. The government will take appropriate action on him."

Meanwhile, Mr. Kapil Sibal, present Telecom Minister, said the issue was too sensitive a one to be realeased for public disclosure. Says Mr. Sibal - "If the public learns about Mr. Ratan Tata's 'missed call' culture, it may prompt several people to follow suit. Soon, people will stop recharging their mobile accounts. Telecom operators will lose a lot of money, and this will reflect on the stock performances. Ultimately, this 'missed call' gate will affect the nation's economy and accrue inflation."

In another shocking relevation, Nira Radia has said that her meet up with A. Raja was never a planned one. She maintained that she got introduced to Raja by accident. A message intercept between the corporate lobbyist and Raja confirms the same. The intercepts have been given below.
Nira Radia (NR): Hey what doing?
Raja: Vetti. Pocketing money.
NR: Oops sorry wrongly sent.
Raja: Its k... ur name??
NR: Nira Radia.
Raja: Boy or gal??
NR: Girl. Lady rather.
Raja: :-) :-) hai will u b my frend????? :-D :-)
Further intercepts of Raja's mobile showed he corresponded with his DMK comrades about his new found friend.
TO: Azhagiri, Stalin, Dhayanidhi, Udhayanidhi, Kalanidhi
Message: Machi got a new figure's number machi..... :-) :-) Name s Nira Radia. Nice name noo?? :-)

Corruption Awards 2010

Finally, there's good news for corrupt bureaucrats, politicians, officers and middlemen. The Government of India has decided to initiate Corruption Awards from this year onwards, on lines of the Filmfare Awards. This, the government said, would be an inspiration for several thousand others in service to shine in corruption and successfully create the world's most powerful parallel economy. It is rumored that PM Manmohan Singh would be in charge of the awards ceremony, since he has nothing else to do anyway.

Inarguably, the Scandal of the Year Award is expected to be won by A.Raja and his team, for their fabulous performance in the 2G Scam. A.Raja, when contacted, said he would love to dedicate this award to his mentor Kalaignar Karunanidhi. Karunanidhi himself has been nominated for the Lifetime Achievement Awards in Corruption. The Emerging Corrupt Leaders Award might be shared by Doordarshan CEO B.S.Lalli and Army General Deepak Kapoor, for their roles in CWG scam and Adarsh Housing scam respectively. Meanwhile, B.S.Yedyurappa has alleged that he wasn't considered for the award just because he was from the Opposition Party. He has filed a lawsuit againt the PM for biased selection in the awards.

The Newcomer of the Year award has been confirmed to be won by Nira Radia, corporate lobbyist. With this, 2G scam awards tally moved to two. The Best Family entertainer award will be bagged by Team BCCI. Another award, for the institution with the minimum productivity and maximum strikes, goes to Neyveli Lignite Corporation. The poll for the People's Choice Award is still going on. The awards will be jointly sponsored by Loop Telecom, Department of Telecom and Emmar MGF, builders of CWG village buildings.

ICC's new anti-hide rules

Following the disappearance of Pakistani wicket-keeper Zulquarnin Haider, the ICC has announced a slew of new rules to keep players from disappearing before matches. To begin with, it has made it mandatory for all team managers to maintain attendance registers, with attendance being taken every over. The team managers have also been warned against proxy attendance, as was the case with the Pakistani team, when Shahzaib Hasan mimicked Haider's 'Present Sir' for a place in the team. Further, all players have been asked to submit passport size photos, for ID cards. ID cards have to be worn by all players during all times. "Abdomen guard forget? No problem. ID card forget? No attendance, no game, no party, no girls.", said ICC's newly appointed spokesman, apparently of Pakistani origin.

Further, ICC has banned players from playing 'hide & seek' during warm up sessions. Meanwhile Ashish Nehra thanked the BCCI for its influence in preventing this rule to be applied during matches. Nehra is well renown for hiding behind the boundary when the ball comes to him while fielding.

Going a step further, ICC has urged all teams to follow a disciplinarian attitude. "The ICC advices all players to form a line, with each one holding on to the forward person's shoulders, while going from hotel rooms to team bus." The ACSU department recommended improvisations to this rule to fight corruption. It said players must also have 'hands on their lips', to stop talking to bookies. "STAND-AT-EASE! ATTENTION! LEFT HAND FORWARD! RIGHT HAND ON YOUR LIPS! MARCH FORWARD!" - PCB has already started training PT masters, who would be accompanying the team hereon. Also, passports won't be given to the players in the middle of a tour, unless they submit written permission from parents or guardians. The ICC hopes these measures would be effective in curbing players' disappearances.

'2010: Year at a Glance' by Faking News

Similar to The Hindu's 'The Year in a Glance' publication, which it releases with the newspaper on the last day of every calender year, Faking News has decided to release its own version of The Year in a Glance. While The Hindu version would provide a gist of all important happenings in a chronological order, Faking News intends to release a chronological list of corruption around the country.

Faking News Chief Editor Pagal Patrakar has said that there was enough corruption news to cover every date in 2010. The lesser known/low public interest news would be in small font in black & white, while news-makers like Suresh Kalmadi & B.S. Yedyurappa would feature in larger fonts with passport sized caricature photos. No, there's further innovation. Every corruption news would be accompanied by a denial statement at the top, and funniest tweet about the corruption from satirists/common man at the bottom. If the publication is received well, FN also plans to release a CD of TIMES NOW coverage of corruptions in chronological order, in partnership with Moserbaer Home Entertainment.

Pagal Partakar said some pieces were very challenging, and required careful attention of the editor. For example, the ones like this: 10 AM: Adarsh Land Scam, 12 PM: CWG Audit, 2 PM: Kochi IPL. Faking News has also decided to dedicate a page to articles that made it to the news, inspite of BS Yedyurappa or Prasar Bharti CEO BS Lalli. Sources say the article featuring MS Dhoni-Sakshi photo at Goa beach might top the page. The penultimate page of the publication would be sponsored by VETA, India's no.1 English training institute. The page would feature a list of English words that the public managed to learn, thanks to non-stop flashing on news channels during corruption coverages. The last page would have internet links of the best satire blogs/websites which covered the corruption year 2010.

Meanwhile, Pagal Patrakar's secretary revealed to us that PP had submitted a written plea to the President, urging her to declare 2010 as The Year of Corruption and the Year of Satire Boom. The plea has been jointly signed by Twitter users @bigfatphoenix, @krishashok, @diogeneb among many others.

Dig your nose, fight for India!

Commander-in-chief of the Indian Army, Major VK Singh has said that India is war ready, and that the nation is tactically, if not technologically, advanced than most other nations. "The Army Think-tank traveled the length and breadth of India and studied the characteristics of certain people. We believe such subjects covered under our research are the future of the Indian Army. I'll be talking about four groups of people, the rest is classified information, and I can't reveal that."

"There are people who sit right next to you, drill their nose with their fingers, collect the mucus, roll it into a ball, and stick it right under the desk or on the window-grill or simply flick it away to some other co-ordinate in the surrounding. All this they do within microseconds, without you even noticing. And when you look at them, or their fingers, they act like they've been practicing chin-mudra for long and stare into emptiness, like they're some rishi just out of meditation. The Army intends to employ the skills of such people to good use. These people can stick bombs or IEDs on the enemy's tankers, or even roll cannon balls towards them, without anyone noticing. These folks will be inducted in the Infantry division."

"Then there are those extremely competitive and combative lads at the loo. However wide a ditch, or however distant the wall, they somehow manage to land their fluid chi-chi beyond the ditch or on the wall. You know, push themselves forward, the body almost parabolic in shape, to achieve the target. Not just that, they can guide a leaf or stone on the ground into the small outlet on the wall, with their chi-chi, skillfully like a hockey player. They know the in and out of projectiles and trajectory science by birth.These lads will be in the IAF. They can destroy enemy targets without the jet even being spotted. Like, they could be garlanding Mayawati statues in UP, and still bomb a target miles away in Peshawar. They are born pilots!"

"The third category would be the SMS addict citizen. | 'WAT DOIN :)?' || 'I'm reading a magazine' || 'OH K.. WAT DOIN :) :)?? || 'I told you. I'm reading a magazine. Outlook.' || 'OH K K DA.. WAT DOIN??? :) :) :) | Imagine a Pakistani soldier, ready to fire with bazookas, grenades and rockets, and suddenly these guys come out of guerrilla trenches and show giant placards reading 'WAT DOIN?? :) :) :) :)' It would drive them mad, make them question their very purpose and existance, and drive them to a state of dementia. War won. Without bloodshed."

"The fourth class would be the most dangerous. They are our prized possessions. You didn't prepare for the exam, open the book just outside the exam hall to manage to scribble something, and this guy comes running at you and says - "What machi studying?? Shame machi!! Didn't expect this from you. I didn't even TOUCHCH the book", and he snatches the book out of your hand and revises for the nth time. Touch?? He'd probably have had sex with the book much more than it can handle! Well these chaps can win you a war even during ceasefire. Just get them to converse with the enemy soldiers.

'Machi? Promise ah machi... forgot to load the bullets... no machi... didn't TOUCHCH the gun at all.. machi yet to apply for Army' and before the soldier knows, there's a bullet in his head. "

"I request citizens with such alternative skills to utilize their talent properly and contribute them for the betterment of the nation. Jai Hind."

Chetan Bhagat inspired book on IIPM

Following the success of books based on IIT and IIM, Pachaimuthu, a Gobichettipalayam born - IIPM educated grad, has decided to write a book based on his alma-mater IIPM. He goes on to say that with Arindham Chaudry jokes being re-tweeted and forwarded, people are more interested and curious than before to read what IIPM students do. "Well, we did nothing. In this book, I'll be elaborating on how we did nothing at IIPM."

When asked what inspired him to write a book, he said - "Well after graduating from IIPM, job wasn't really an option." Pachaimuthu, who insists on being called PM (well CB isn't really cool sounding but Chetan Bhagat uses it) admitted that his book would be heavily modeled on Five Point Someone. "Five Point Someone book cover has a by-line which reads 'What not to do at IIT'. I will be using a slightly tweaked version of the same which also has an answer in its latter part: 'What not to do at IIPM - join!'

"The book would basically be a journey of dares - Dare to think beyond IIMs, dare to think beyond expecting classes being taken, dare to think beyond getting a job, dare to think beyond getting a degree. Just pay the money, stay for two years and take home an Arindham Chaudry signed certificate.", PM said breathlessly, almost in fury.

Ask him how different it would be from FPS and he replies - "FPS was basically about 3 disinterested students, who in the end failed even to attend their graduation ceremony. My book would be about 3 disinterested IIPM professors, who forget to take classes right from the start. Well in IIPM its not much about students anyway. Its about Arindham Chaudry's jokes."

Title of the book?? "Dare to think beyond the title of the book", he snaps. Well, old habits die hard don't they?

Oracle Paul's last moments captured

The Oberhausen Aquarium officials have revealed to the public the last minutes of Paul the Octopus, who not only shot to fame with his 100% accuracy in predicting results, but was also responsible for throwing several parrots, astrologers & soothsayers out of job. The Aquarium spokesman looked very gloomy, possibly because he had realized that with Paul gone, this could be the last time he could impress his wife by appearing on TV.

"The past few days had been very strenuous for Paul. He was handling several VIP clients, and the nature of the thought process involved behind the predictions drained him mentally. In most of the cases, Paul wasn't able to choose any one of the options with conviction, the way he did during the football world cup. For example, President of the US, Mr.Barack Obama had visited Paul ahead of his Asian tour. He presented Paul with two photos - one of Pakistan foreign minister Mohammad Quereshi and the other of a chipmunk at the Delhi Zoo. Paul was confused as both seemed very similar to him. Finally Paul chose the chipmunk, but the president was disappointed with the long time Paul had to taken & hence he cut down his donation to the aquarium by a few thousand dollars."

"We also had a visitor from News of The World, who wanted Paul's prediction as to which story would be more sensational. On one photo there was Ameer Asif, captain of the Peshawar High school cricket team, whom he wanted to cover regarding a match fixing issue. On the other was Rooney Woods, one of the extras in LOST previous season, whose extra-marital sex affair he wanted to expose. Paul failed to choose one and so the angry NOTW wrote negative comments in the feedback diary. This deeply affected the oracle."

Meanwhile the official also revealed off record that MS Dhoni visited Paul before every game and asked him to choose between Ashish Nehra and Ravindra Jadeja. Either way, it didn't make a big difference in the game and hence Dhoni had stopped paying Paul.

The spokesman continued. "Lalit Modi, one of the Aquarium's premium customers was among the few people who was satisfied with Paul's work. Lalit, who uses the Facebook application 'What has Paul predicted for you' regularly, got answers which were working very well for him. Paul's latest reply on this application said 'One more week of roaming around in London pubs to dodge Enforcement Directorate officials.'

"Other Indians weren't too kind to Paul and demanded him to choose between equally insane choices. BS Yedyurappa wanted Paul to choose between helicopter and hovercraft, to gift to his relatives. Kalanithi Maran wanted to choose between Kalpakkam Nuclear Power Plant and Indian Railways, to merge with his Sun Network group. As a result of such high-pressure activities, Paul's death came too soon. We are all at a loss of words to explain the void that has entered our lives with Paul gone. I along with million others pray for Paul's soul to rest in peace."

Meanwhile videos like 'Proof that Paul the Octopus is alive', 'Real ghost video of Paul', etc have been receiving thousands of hits on YouTube and have started spamming social networking websites. Twitter, which started the day with Arundathi Roy jokes took a sudden turn and moved towards Paul the Octopus jokes. Several regular tweeters are now worried people will keep spamming Twitter with Paul jokes like the 'Sir U made Lakhs' anagram joke.

Arundathi Roy buys Kochi IPL!

Amidst all the controversy, Arundathi Roy has announced to everyone's surprise that she has plans to buy stakes in the Kochi IPL franchisee. The new ownership confusion could further delay Kochi's inclusion in the League. However Arundathi doesn't seem deterred by this and insists that it would actually go well with her plan. "The more the confusion, the more the delay, the more the publicity the franchisee gets. Everyday there would be reporters and cameras and I would get more publicity.", she replies, with an almost orgasmic pleasure.

Mrs. Roy also said her team would be different from other teams in all aspects, and hence the public would root for her team. "To start with, our players won't be using conventional bats. The bats are made out of wood. If the wood is cut down, then the tribal folks in the forests won't have fresh air to breathe. Hence our players would be using bats made out of environment-friendly cotton."

"Even during drinks break, my players won't be consuming any refreshments. Since I go on a Narmada-Bachao Andolan fasting whenever there are cameras, I expect my players to join hands with me. And oh, did I tell you about my team's cheerleaders? Well, for every boundary hit or wicket gone, 4 people will climb the cheerleader stage and shout anti-India slogans and raise their fists. The most photogenic faces will be part of my next strike against any development that contributes to India's growth."

And just before the press-persons were about to leave, Arundathi Roy revealed another shocker. "In all the matches, I'll be seen on TV hugging or putting my hands around Geelani." Seeing the puzzled looks, she explained. "Well Preity is always seen with Yuvraj Singh. Shilpa is always seen with Raj Kundra. And then there's Deepika for Sid Mallya. So....."

One last question. Who would be the captain of your team? "On keeping with my tradition of supporting ideas that are largely unpopular with the common man, I appoint Ravindra Jadeja as the captain of my team."

Kalmadi's exclusive interview to The Sunday Indian

Mission Antarctica & Lalit Bhanot's memorable moment

Amid all the cynicism about the CWG, here’s some refreshing news. Pappu, a resident of New Delhi, will embark on a marathon run from New Delhi to Antarctica, to commemorate the beginning of the CWG games. Aptly, he’ll reach Antarctica on 3rd October 2010, the date when the opening ceremony for the games commences. He said he was doing this to create awareness about Kalmadi-flu, the latest epidemic break in Delhi. About why he chose Antarctica, he says that’s the farthest he can get from Delhi.

Ask him what inspired him to go on this run, and he gets all excited. “I always wanted to be a social worker. Giving back to the society had always been at the back of my mind. Hearing about my initiative, several others have also started running to different parts of the world from Delhi. I’m very happy I’ve been a role model for several others.” Meanwhile it has been learnt that he’ll be welcomed in Antarctica by other wise Delhites, who chose to flee to Antarctica way back in 2006, when the successful bid was announced.

What motivates him to run farther? Replies Pappu – “I just switch on the TV or read the newspaper about the Games preparations and falling bridges. I get this sudden burst of energy, and I start practicing running out of Delhi.”

Mention Lalit Bhanot, and he turns nostalgic. “Lalit uncle is very sweet. Not very tech-savvy, but yes, very sweet. Once he was peeing in my neighborhood. Out of pity, I offered to let him use my toilet. Bhanot uncle’s eyes were full of tears and he said he wished even he had relatives abroad who would gift him a toilet bowls. He saw my toilet bowl and got all excited and exclaimed it was like being in a Hollywood movie set. Even today, uncle’s desk at CWG HQ has a photo-frame showing him sitting on the toilet bowl, showing thumbs-up sign. It still remains on of his most unforgettable moments.”

Before signing off, Pappu request all Indians to support and accommodate people of Delhi until the Games get over.

Mumbai Indians dropped catches mystery solved!

Finally, journalists, cricket experts and fans around the world have got answers as to why Mumbai Indians players dropped so many catches. Captain Sachin Tendulkar, in an exclusive interview divulged to reporters that the high tech Spidercam was responsible for players not holding on to catches. "Whenever the ball went high up in the air, the Spidercam came out of nowhere and came down towards us faster than the ball. As a result, many players thought the cam was going to crash land on them, and so moved away. The camera would then circle around us, thus showing to the world in 360 degrees our body language after dropping the catch. After the dropped catch, we couldn't collect the ball and throw it back to the bowler too, since the cables were all around us and the spidercam operator wanted a perfect-shot before we got back to the ball again."

Surprisingly, the little master also blamed Spidercam for the team's decision to send Pollard lower down the batting order. "Well Pollard is a tall man. Sometimes, his head gets stuck to the spidercam and he gets carried all over the ground before our team manager talks to the technicians to drop him off at the crease. But by then, the game almost gets over."

Meanwhile, Saurabh Tiwary revealed even more shocking revelations. "In my case, the player mic also conspired against me. There was this ball in the air, the Spidercam floating towards me, and the earphone microphone crackled to life. 'Chin up.. angle your face left... look into the lens... and SMILE'. I just did what was told to me. I was even told the shot was perfect. Only when I came back to the dug out did Jonty Rhodes tell me that I had dropped a catch."

The technology hasn't gone too well with the umpires too. Says Aleem Dar - "We've been having difficulty judging run outs, especially the leg umpires. Sometimes we feel someone is nudging our back or tickling our butt. On reflex, we thought it was Bhajji(when Mumbai played) or Raina (when CSK played). Only later did we realize that it was the Spidercam, focussing on the batsman from between our legs!"

However, Champions League CEO Raman Sundararman remains undeterred. Taking a cue from his former boss Lalit Modi, he plans to put this technology to maximum use and make the sport fan-friendly. "We have struck a deal with Cox & Kings Holidays Pvt Ltd. According to this, every day, a lucky winner will get to tour the whole stadium sitting on the Spideycam. He will also get to interact with players and get autographs from them as they are playing."

CWG jokes increase India's GDP

Following the stupendous success of the Commonwealth Games jokes market in India, several other countries are emulating contending for the next CWG. Many nations have already started sending Group of Ministers to study various joke patterns. England has gone one step further: Roads leading to 10 Downing Street have all been dug up, thus symbolically announcing England's bid for CWG 2014.

Trade analysts say that this isn't surprising, considering that people read more CWG jokes than CWG news, and that the demand for jokes will only keep growing as the opening ceremony nears. A top publishing firm has confirmed that it would be releasing a book - a compilation of all the jokes about the CWG. It also revealed that the first copy of the book would be given to Mr.Suresh Kalmadi, a central character in the book. It is rumoured that 20th Century Fox Film Corporation has bought the film rights for the book and it would soon be made into a major motion picture.

An internet market analysis company, which researched blogs and websites which publish CWG jokes, has divulged that several FMCG, telecommunication and other hot brands now advertise in CWG satire websites. The revenues generated by such websites have been so number crunching, that some of them have actually decided to sponsor the CWG Games. Search engine operators Yahoo! and Google have said that 'CWG jokes, CWG humour', etc are the most searched topics. In fact, State cellular operator BSNL offers SMS subscriptions to 'CWG joke of the day' at Rs.10 per month. Tata Docomo launched the same service at 1 paise per month, but customers say they have to climb poles and sit for a few hours to 'collect' messages.

The human costs have also been very benefiting. Several people who had registered with the Delhi Employment Exchange have been given job offers as field-satirists. Celebrities, especially film personalities, who haven't been signed up for any movie, now entertain their fans with fresh CWG jokes. The games have also proved to be a blessing in disguise for retired class. Says a recently retired school teacher: "I was always worried what I'd do after retirement, was worried if boredom would kill me. But thanks to Mr. Kalmadi, I entertain myself most of the day reading and writing CWG jokes."

The bleeding aviation industry has also jumped in. Air India has come up with a novel idea to entertain the participating athletes and passengers. The backside of every ticket will have a CWG cartoon to keep them entertained. Realizing the huge potential that these jokes can generate, several institutes overseas now offer Diploma in CWG Satires. Will there ever be a saturation? "Of course not" says a person familiar with the developments. "These jokes are everywhere. From the theme song, to the lyrics, to the sponsors, to the organizers, to the roads, to the stadiums, these are just obnoxious. There will never be an end to them, even after the CWG ends. This field is completely recession proof."

How Arnob won the Bharat Rathna - a true story!

Arnob wasn't a happy man. There was a blank expression on his face which indicated helplessness. Things weren't going as easy as he expected them to. With great difficulty, he, along with his belly, stoop up from his workstation seat and began walking towards the window. His co-workers at Air Traffic Control, IGI New Delhi, began whispering to each other - "Something is terribly wrong. Arnob saahab doesn't walk to the window when he isn't chewing paan bahaar!" Arnob opened the window. It was bright and sunny outside. Even the weather gods were against him.

He had to think. "I can't give up after trying this hard, this long.", he said to himself. But his brain simply refused to come up with alternatives. Just then, he saw the NO SMOKING sign. Despite the tense situation he was in, he allowed himself to smile. "Yeah, I Know Smoking :-)" Every time he was out of ideas, or his lungs demanded early retirement, there were always these NO SMOKING signs that reminded him to smoke. The government at-least knew when its citizen wanted to smoke, he thought.

Arnob had been very careful and meticulous in his planning. It had even drained him financially, but he had to do it. The Superbug could've been named after any other place - Kolkata or Kanyakumari or Port Blair. But he had bribed the International Medical Association to name the Superbug as New Delhi. It had cost him lots, but the purpose had been achieved. Any negative news should help, he reasoned.

He was also physically drained. His frequent flights to Chennai, by Indian Airlines, to meet his friend, had nearly broken his back. Arnob had known his friend since the days he was known as Dilip Kumar. It hadn't been easy convincing him. "You know what will happen if people start liking your song. And still you want to do it? How much money do you want?" Hearing this, Dilip Kumar, now A.R. Rahman, had slapped him hard and said - "I love the nation as much as you do. Take my word, I'll compose a bad tune. I don't want extra money for it. Jai Hind." Another problem had been solved.

The Bio Weapons Wing, Arnob's right hand of sorts, had been doing a fairly good job till now. It had ensured the release of dengue laden mosquitoes all over Delhi. To compliment his, Arnob had pressurized all doctors to go on an indefinite strike. But despite all these efforts, international flights were still landing in Delhi. That wouldn't be good for his country. No, he wouldn't let it happen. National pride came first. He wanted his son to wave the tricolor flag with pride every alternate day India played Sri Lanka. The time had come. He had made up his mind, came up with a solution. If he had to sacrifice his life to save his nation, he would do so!

He ran down the steps of ATC building, through the waiting lounges, through the parking bays and then the Main Run Way. He could see a flight making its way to land. The timing was apt, he thought. He removed his dress and laid face down on the runway. He closed his eyes, said his prayers and wondered if he'd forgotten anything. And he remembered. How could he have forgotten? He took his mobile, logged onto Facebook, and updated his status - "Gonna die. For the nation." Within seconds, there were some 10 likes, apart from 'Cooool', 'aweeesome' comments. An Airbus was running towards him at lightning speed. It came to a halt, inches away from him, making screeching noises, and turning 90 degrees in the process. The pilot craned his neck out of his cockpit and said - "Mate, get out of my way. I've a flight to park." Arnob said - "Dude, if your flight happens to reach the bay, then it shall be over my dead body. I dare you to run your flight over my body." Brave Arnob remained stubborn till the end. Meanwhile, traffic was accumulating behind the Airbus, both on the runway and in the air. Left with no other choice, all flights were diverted away from Delhi.

"Finally! I did it. For my nation. Jai Hind!" A few years from then, Arnob was awarded with the Bharat Rathna, India's highest civilian honor, for saving India from blushes by stopping the CWG games from happening.

A rule that lets you litter your neighbor's house??

You suddenly found time & mustered will to clean up your room for the year's quarter. You do a fairly good job out of it. And then pops the big question - "Where do I throw the trash?" You could either walk down the stairs, across the street and use the bin. Or, you could open your window, just enough for your arm to enter, and volley the trash into your neighbor's, and quickly close the window as though it hasn't been opened for years. Naturally, you choose the second option. Time is money, right?! Later, you walk on the road and complain of bad smell, mosquitoes and dirty 'Indian' roads. MightyIndianDream has come up with practices and technologies, that let you continue the culture & tradition of piling up garbage on the road or neighbor's, and still keep the neighborhood clean and hygienic.

A simple method would be for your municipality to twist rules so as to allow you to throw all your garbage to the right side of your house. Every house collects the previous house's garbage, in addition to its own garbage, and passes it on to the next house. This would ensure that the thrill of littering on your neighbor's area remains. Thus, all trash would accumulate on the far end of the street, where it can be picked up easily by the garbage van. The next month, the practice can be done the other way, to the left of your house. Or the Housing Board could make it mandatory for every house to paint a section of the floor like a road. So people would rather litter on a road closer home than one far away.

If a municipality or corporation has enough funds, then it can invest in a latest technology - Intelligent Roads. Intelligent Road identifies plastic and other trash from its carbon content, and incinerates it the very second it is thrown on the road. The CO2 released from combustion would be sucked by the road and deposited deep under your building.

However, prevention is the best cure. Most of the litter on the road is polythene & plastic, which people throw away after using shampoos or biscuits or similar goods. The FMCG companies must NOT package AROUND their products, using plastic or polythene. Rather, they must package ON the product, USING the product, without the use of materials other than the product ingredients itself. Using a few colored additives, they could slice a layer of the product for packaging. Imagine a Perk or Munch, where you have to lick away the bar code, price tag, brand logo, etc, all in a different flavor altogether, before munching your chocolate. Or a shampoo that stays solid till its mixed with water. Or maybe an oil pack that can be rolled inside your pocket and regains its liquid molecularity on application of certain pressure. The possibilities are endless.

Reward thieves, reduce thefts, feel safe.

You no longer have to worry about locking your door or engaging a private security, or shifting your valuables to a bank locker when going out of station. MightyIndianDream has recommended to the Government the best way to make people feel safe: legalize theft and tax thieves.

The process involves the creation of two bodies - Donor Union (DU) and Thieves Union (TU). The job of the police will be to act as a bridge between the two bodies, and ensure their smooth functioning. Any household with a ration card will be made a member of DU. (So this would also encourage citizens to apply for a ration card.) A member of TU will be assured of non-action by police for thefts. So this would encourage thieves to apply for a TU membership.

On the assigned date, a DU member will auction his property for theft, fixing a base price and auctioning backwards. The bidder quoting the lowest price will be chosen as the Official Thief for the member's house. The keys to the house would be handed over to the thief in a grand ceremony. It would be up-to the thief and house owner to arrive upon a mutually agreeable date for theft.

On the day of theft, the thief has to sponsor the family for a movie or any outing that would keep the family engaged while he is busy stealing. In return, the family has to make sure the thief feels at home, and load the fridge with nutritious and tasty eatables. After theft, depending on the facilities enjoyed, the thief would leave behind a tip. However, a minimum tip of 10% would be mandatory, so as to make the owner feel all isn't lost.

For every unannounced or unorganized theft, the Theft Union will have to pay a heavy fine to the government. By rule, a house, once robbed, would be put off auction for the next 5 years. If the plan goes well, then in future there might be premium membership options, wherein the thief would mop your floor, dust your ceiling and wash your car in addition to the theft.

Randiv's Alma mater & his 1st No-Ball

MightyIndianDream takes you to the land of No-balls, Sri Lanka, and finds out what it takes to bowl a century-denying no-ball. My first stop is at The Rangiri Dambulla Cricket Academy. Several young boys are bowling their hearts out in the hot Lankan sun. Oddly, in all the nets, in place of where a batsman should be, hangs a sign-post with 99* written on it. The bowling coach, a friendly man, sees the confusion on my face and offers to explain.

"For decades we have been mastering the century-denial ball. Our foundations are pretty strong and we make sure the boys master the basics well." He shows me white circular markers(which are ideally used for marking bowlers' run up) placed two feet ahead of the bowling crease. "This is the first stage of their training. We make it easier for the boys to understand that a batsman is at 99 by the sign board. Then they have to consciously, carefully skip the bowling crease and land on the markers 2 feet away." Interesting. "Has any bowler been talented enough to go beyond 2 feet?", I ask. "Well at this age it will be difficult for them. But now and then we get some tremendous talent out here. Randiv, when he was a kid, once bowled with his bowling feet on the batsman's crease." No wonder he's performing well in international cricket!

The coach then takes me to the other end of the ground, where there are batsmen instead of the sign-posts. Maybe this part of the ground is for serious cricket? But as I move closer, I realize that some of those batsmen actually play for Ranji teams! Coach, seeing my baffled expression calls over one of the batsmen. Shyly, the batsmen walks towards us. "Tell him about our excellent coaching here, Parthiv." Parthiv Patel!!

"I was playing for Gujarat against Railways. The match was going really well for us. We needed just 1 run to win and I was playing at 99*. Suddenly a helicopter came over our heads and I was airlifted. Within hours, I was dropped into Rangiri Dambulla with a parachute on my back. The helicopter went back to Feroz Shah Kotla for the next assignment!" Coach continued - "Once the boys pass their initial training, they move over to these nets where we simulate the game situation as close to real as possible. Notice that there aren't any markers here." Wanting to get out of the place quickly, I move over. Before leaving, I get Randiv's address from the coach.

Getting to Randiv's house was easy. He's well known in this part of the country. I ring the bell and wait. While I wait, I notice that a white line runs just beneath the gate, just like Lakshman Rekha. An evil laughter startles me. Randiv's mother. "People always ask us why we have that white line. Young Randiv drew that when he was a kid. Every time he walked into or out of the house, he liked to feel he'd bowled a no ball." She asks me to no-ball myself into the house, but I politely refuse and move on.

My last stop is the Sri Lanka Cricket Administrative Block. I was told to wait in a corner of a crowded auditorium inside. A co-coordinator was running a slide show with pictures of Indian cricketers. "B for... Ball Boy,.... W for ... Water Boy". And the crowd repeated respectfully after him. A peon came over and took me to the SLC President's office. On the way he said - "A complete professional, isn't he? The Crowd Behavior Expert."

The President wasn't too willing to talk. "We have nothing to say except that we have asked the ICC to mute the stump mikes when batsmen are at 99. Thank you!" Glad that my Lankan safari was over, I came back home.

Suraj Randiv and Queens Batons Relay!

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has taken over as the Organizing Committee Head for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games. His appointment to the post has brought with it a slurry of changes. To begin with, the PM has appointed now & then India pacer S. Sreesanth as the Chief Appeals Commissioner. "Sreesanth has whole heartedly appealed (with passion) to the umpire when the ball has gone wide outside the leg stump. We see no reason why he can't appeal to the Indian public when we've missed the deadlines by a few months. Winning the hearts of the Indian people remains our first priority." , PM Office quoted.

Pranab Mukherjee has been appointed Chief Finance Officer. No surprises there! Mr. Mukherjee, who proposed the twin growth formula of inflation-inflation, has used all this experience to come up with a sure shot idea for boosting revenue. "The government plans to copyright words like corruption, black money and Suresh Kalmadi. The huge revenue generated from royalty would not only be sufficient to run the CWG, but the extra money could be deposited in the Prime Minister's Relief Fund, which in turn would be distributed to poverty struck, famine embracing MPs, who have been demanding a 300% rise in salary.

Interestingly, the Athletes Housing Directorate top post is being shared by two people - the directors of the Income Tax department & CBI. The department seems a relaxed lot. An AHD spokesperson said: "Ours is one of the easiest jobs. All we need to do is call up every MP & MLA in India and tell them we have a search warrant. We believe they won't be seen in any of their houses for at-least 3 months. All athletes will have the opportunity to live in their bungalows. "

The Food Committee is being handled by the Principal Secretary, Government of Tamilnadu. TN CM Kalaignar has graciously accepted to extend the Free Meals scheme for school children to participating atheletes also. The logistics for transporting meals everyday from Tamilnadu to New Delhi will be handled by Kalanidhi Maran acquired Spice Jet. Tamilnadu has another reason to be happy. The State, which has been consistently winning the Greenpeace Awards for maintaining 2 Earth hours everyday (thanks to Electricity Minister Arcot N. Veerasamy), has been chosen as the Training Center for the athletes.

Meanwhile, publicity for the Queen's Baton Relay might hit a low. Suraj Randiv has expressed his inability to participate in the QBR owing to Involuntary Elongation of his feet (popularly known in Sri Lankan medical circles as IEOF), after Sehwag reached 99. Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksha, who takes a keen interest on Randiv, has recommended treatment by Buddhist monks to solve his problem. The good news is that Malinga has confirmed his participation in the javelin throw event.

TIMES NOW continues to search for A.R. Rahman's CWG theme song. The Chief Editor alleges that the murky trial links the theme song to Andrew Symonds' event management company(in which Harbhajan Singh's nephew has majority stake) and extends upto Kilimanjaro.

Beleaguered but shameless Lalit Modi, unaware of these latest developments, has offered to shift the whole tournament to South Africa within 10 days. The BCCI has rightly ordered all its players, umpires, pitch curators and fans to stay away from Lalit Modi.

Mallya's hackers, oil spills & more

The Pakistan Cyber Army(PCA), which recently hacked Dr.Vijay Mallya's website, has decided to diversify & go one step further: lay underground pipelines from Islamabad to Bangalore, and suck 1 crore barrels worth of Kingfisher rum from United Breweries plants. This was brought to light by a TIMES NOW expose, with a special correspondent swimming through the yet to be constructed pipeline with a hidden camera. Dr. Mallya, when contacted, said he wants to take things one at a time, and that his first priority is reviving his website from the hackers.

Meanwhile, the cyber police haven't begun looking for the hackers yet, as they are busy searching for Shashi Tharoor's long lost Twitter account. Down south, Kalaignar Karunanidhi passed a law in the State Legislature to rename all websites in Tamil. Kalaignar cited the unfamiliarity of Pakistani extremists with Tamil as the reason. TIMES NOW informers inside PCA revealed startling informations though: The Pak Cyber Army is working closely with Pakistan based, Tamil fluent Vijaykanth-movie villains to recognize and hack Tamil websites. M.K. Azhagiri is on top of the hit-list. Hearing this, a furious Captain Vijaykanth has stationed his DMDK cadres equipped with machine guns at all major browsing centers.

Petroleum Minister Murli Deora has surprisingly requested InterPol not to bust the pipelines, as they can be used to form a Pan India petroleum grid, thus reducing the transportation charges on petroleum. Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh has his own plans though. He says the pipeline can be routed to the Mumbai coast, so that the oil spill can be re-directed to Islamabad. British Petrouleum CEO, hearing of this latest development, has requested participation of BP in this project, to clear spill off the Gulf coast.

The Indian Government wants to pursue this matter tactically and diplomatically. New Delhi is pushing hard on Pakistan to award the pipeline contract to Suresh Kalmadi. This has two advantages, sources close to the matter say. There would be a steady revenue from the contracts, but at the same time the pipeline won't cross the borders of Islamabad. Very clever indeed!

Indian skipper M.S. Dhoni meanwhile has said that Dr. Mallya's web hack has deeply affected the morale of the team and that the boys are mentally tired. This, he says was the reason the team got 88 all out. (When confronted with the question that the match happened before the hack, a miffed Dhoni said: "Well if it had happened after the hack, the team would have been 8 all out". None understood the logic, of course! )

After a lot of goading, Dr. Mallya chose to speak on this matter. But what he spoke remains unclear because Arnob Goswarmi "Mr Mallya I'm asking a direct question I want a direct answer"ed even before Mallya opened his mouth. A frustrated Mallya shouted Oo La La Le Lo before splashing Whyte & Mackay on the camera.

Greetings to all on our 64th Independence Day. While so many articles have been written about our proud history, here is my attempt at giving you a glimpse of our near future.

Very soon, all keyboards in the world will have the ` symbol. Every apparel shop across the globe will have I ♥ ND (I love New Delhi) T-shirts. The filthy rich American kid will pester his parents for Siyaram's Jeans and Manish Malhotra jerseys, and will wear his jean low & bend down at every opportunity to show off his original, imported-from-Tiruppur Anand underwear.

Very soon, HPS© (Hindi Prachar Sabha) will be conducting Test of Hindi as Foreign Language exams worldwide. The Washington Post will have a full page ad, a testimonial from James Bloom (rank 456, IIT-JEE), thanking Brilliant Tutorials for its part in his success. The brightest minds will get into ISB or IIMs. (and the ones content with just an India MBA shall join IIPMs)

Not far from today, a mother will be withdrawing cash from Manappuram Money Transfer, Melbourne, sent by her son, working as a specialty chef in Muniyandi Vilas Group of Hotels, Kumbakonam.

There might be uproars in our Parliament, to limit the number of work permits to Europeans & Americans. And you won't realize that the Airtel customer care executive you are talking to is actually from a call center in Buffallo! (They speak so fluently, its difficult to differentiate between Indian Hindi & American Hindi!)

Will Smith and Pamela Anderson won't mind dancing for an item number to promote their latest movie to their Non Resident American fans in Mumbai. (Of course, we won't stop by to watch, we won't have time to bother about petty issues.)

Soon, Canada might ban its CEOs from using Micromax smart phones, owing to security reasons. And SUN mobiles (yes, of the Sun TV Network family) will make the most out of this opportunity and shall make customized sets for Canadians.

Vikatan Naanayam will publish the list of world's top earning sportsmen. Tiger Woods will be ranked a distant 156 and Kobe Byrant 92, just 2 ranks away from Ravindra Jadeja's rank 90. French and German football fans might get into a brawl in one of our TASMAC outlets and their embassies will plead with the Indian government to let them off without charges.

Those days aren't far off. No country is perfect. It has to be made perfect. Proud to be born an Indian =)

[P.S.: This is my first attempt at writing. Feedbacks will be greatly appreciated]