Dig your nose, fight for India!

Commander-in-chief of the Indian Army, Major VK Singh has said that India is war ready, and that the nation is tactically, if not technologically, advanced than most other nations. "The Army Think-tank traveled the length and breadth of India and studied the characteristics of certain people. We believe such subjects covered under our research are the future of the Indian Army. I'll be talking about four groups of people, the rest is classified information, and I can't reveal that."

"There are people who sit right next to you, drill their nose with their fingers, collect the mucus, roll it into a ball, and stick it right under the desk or on the window-grill or simply flick it away to some other co-ordinate in the surrounding. All this they do within microseconds, without you even noticing. And when you look at them, or their fingers, they act like they've been practicing chin-mudra for long and stare into emptiness, like they're some rishi just out of meditation. The Army intends to employ the skills of such people to good use. These people can stick bombs or IEDs on the enemy's tankers, or even roll cannon balls towards them, without anyone noticing. These folks will be inducted in the Infantry division."

"Then there are those extremely competitive and combative lads at the loo. However wide a ditch, or however distant the wall, they somehow manage to land their fluid chi-chi beyond the ditch or on the wall. You know, push themselves forward, the body almost parabolic in shape, to achieve the target. Not just that, they can guide a leaf or stone on the ground into the small outlet on the wall, with their chi-chi, skillfully like a hockey player. They know the in and out of projectiles and trajectory science by birth.These lads will be in the IAF. They can destroy enemy targets without the jet even being spotted. Like, they could be garlanding Mayawati statues in UP, and still bomb a target miles away in Peshawar. They are born pilots!"

"The third category would be the SMS addict citizen. | 'WAT DOIN :)?' || 'I'm reading a magazine' || 'OH K.. WAT DOIN :) :)?? || 'I told you. I'm reading a magazine. Outlook.' || 'OH K K DA.. WAT DOIN??? :) :) :) | Imagine a Pakistani soldier, ready to fire with bazookas, grenades and rockets, and suddenly these guys come out of guerrilla trenches and show giant placards reading 'WAT DOIN?? :) :) :) :)' It would drive them mad, make them question their very purpose and existance, and drive them to a state of dementia. War won. Without bloodshed."

"The fourth class would be the most dangerous. They are our prized possessions. You didn't prepare for the exam, open the book just outside the exam hall to manage to scribble something, and this guy comes running at you and says - "What machi studying?? Shame machi!! Didn't expect this from you. I didn't even TOUCHCH the book", and he snatches the book out of your hand and revises for the nth time. Touch?? He'd probably have had sex with the book much more than it can handle! Well these chaps can win you a war even during ceasefire. Just get them to converse with the enemy soldiers.

'Machi? Promise ah machi... forgot to load the bullets... no machi... didn't TOUCHCH the gun at all.. machi yet to apply for Army' and before the soldier knows, there's a bullet in his head. "

"I request citizens with such alternative skills to utilize their talent properly and contribute them for the betterment of the nation. Jai Hind."