"Talk less, fart more" -Dr. Ferguson

After years of research, thousands of tests on subjects and billions of dollars on funding, scientists at John Hopkins University have finally concluded that the best way to release stress and mental tensions, and rejuvenate the self is by farting. JHU is famous for ground-breaking and life-changing researches like 'Classroom sleepers make better boardroom managers','Watching porn movies helps increase attention span of teenagers' and 'Justin Bibier makes men feel more confident about their appearances'.

Says lead researcher Dr.Ferguson - "Essentially, farting is all about releasing non-essential gases from the body, thus making one feel lighter. It helps one feel more calm, relaxed and happy. Why, by Newton's third law, a good fart helps one progress forward in life."

Dr.Ferguson also said farting outweighed all other forms of relaxation like yoga, oil-massage, meditation, etc. He also explained the various advantages of farting over other rejuvenation techniques. "Farting is an instantaneous activity. It doesn't consume much time. I mean, if you missed your deadline, and your boss yells at you, what would you do? Sit on the carpet and do yoga? Or turn your back and fart? Farting helps one relax anywhere, any number of times."

Going a step further, JHU's Institute of Fartography has classified, and named different types of farting, and has also recommended each for a unique form of relaxation. Farting has mainly been classified into 4 main types - B.U.R, bussss, PUrrrr, pssss....sss.

* B.U.R - half a second, non-gaseous, odour-free, high decibel.

* bussss - 3 to 5 seconds, gaseous, odour-free, zero decibel, hissing sound fart.

* PUrrrr - 4 to 6 seconds, gaseous/non-gaseous,odour/odourless, descending sound intensity, hungry kitten fart.

* pssss...sss - 6 to 8 seconds, highly gaseous, terminal odour, zero-decibel, identifiable only by guilt on the face killer bomb.

Continued Dr. Ferguson - "Each of the above should be used at different situations. Inappropriate use could kill the joy of farting. B.U.R should be used when.. like your boss announces your salary appraisal has been cancelled. You feel like saying Fu*k. Just substitute it with B.U.R. You could bussss when you patiently sit down and analyse why your appraisal has been cancelled. You PUrrrr when you're really hurt. Like when you learn your subordinate has an appraisal and you don't. Its a "Why me??"fart. You psss...sss when you finally find out the whole world is against your appraisal, give up all hopes, and don't give a damn to others. Farting is in fact a beautiful way of non-verbal communication."

Dr. Ferguson has received funding from the European Union for his further research to prove that contrary to popular perception, the size of a human being is inversely proportional to the sound intensity of his fart. Signing off, he advised mankind to talk less and fart more, and that a fart a day keeps everyone away.