Case filed against 7UP

Muthukumar, a college student from Chennai has filed a complaint against soft drink company 7UP. He claims the 7UP advertisements screened during IPL on Set MAX are misleading, and that the company should immediately be booked for false claims.

Says Muthukumar - "My Tata Photon connection busted up right when I was watching porn. I guess it can't handle heavy stuff. So I decided to catch up on some soft porn atleast, and went out to buy a Times of India newspaper. Thats when a crow flew right up my head and shitted on me. I remembered this ad featuring Sharman Joshi, in which he says you become all cool about crow shit in 7 seconds, once you drink 7UP. "

"But damn! I got even angrier! Those 7 seconds I spent in drinking 7UP, the shit dried up and formed a patch on my shirt. People all around were laughing at me! Next time, I first cleaned up the shit, looked up and drank 7UP, and this time, right at the end of the 7th second, the same crow shitted right on my face, just when I was about to form the 'cool' expression on my face. I have filed a complaint to the Consumer court of India, and I'm confident justice will be served."

Meanwhile, 7UP has denied any allegations of misleading its consumers. Says its Marketing Chief - "The concerned person has failed to notice the star (*) and the "terms and conditions" apply tags. If one looks closely at the ad, one would notice that 7UP 7 second formula works only when the crow shits on the left shoulder, and when the concerned person is a brand ambassador of our company. We never hold any information from our consumers."

Mallya's hackers, oil spills & more

The Pakistan Cyber Army(PCA), which recently hacked Dr.Vijay Mallya's website, has decided to diversify & go one step further: lay underground pipelines from Islamabad to Bangalore, and suck 1 crore barrels worth of Kingfisher rum from United Breweries plants. This was brought to light by a TIMES NOW expose, with a special correspondent swimming through the yet to be constructed pipeline with a hidden camera. Dr. Mallya, when contacted, said he wants to take things one at a time, and that his first priority is reviving his website from the hackers.

Meanwhile, the cyber police haven't begun looking for the hackers yet, as they are busy searching for Shashi Tharoor's long lost Twitter account. Down south, Kalaignar Karunanidhi passed a law in the State Legislature to rename all websites in Tamil. Kalaignar cited the unfamiliarity of Pakistani extremists with Tamil as the reason. TIMES NOW informers inside PCA revealed startling informations though: The Pak Cyber Army is working closely with Pakistan based, Tamil fluent Vijaykanth-movie villains to recognize and hack Tamil websites. M.K. Azhagiri is on top of the hit-list. Hearing this, a furious Captain Vijaykanth has stationed his DMDK cadres equipped with machine guns at all major browsing centers.

Petroleum Minister Murli Deora has surprisingly requested InterPol not to bust the pipelines, as they can be used to form a Pan India petroleum grid, thus reducing the transportation charges on petroleum. Environment Minister Jairam Ramesh has his own plans though. He says the pipeline can be routed to the Mumbai coast, so that the oil spill can be re-directed to Islamabad. British Petrouleum CEO, hearing of this latest development, has requested participation of BP in this project, to clear spill off the Gulf coast.

The Indian Government wants to pursue this matter tactically and diplomatically. New Delhi is pushing hard on Pakistan to award the pipeline contract to Suresh Kalmadi. This has two advantages, sources close to the matter say. There would be a steady revenue from the contracts, but at the same time the pipeline won't cross the borders of Islamabad. Very clever indeed!

Indian skipper M.S. Dhoni meanwhile has said that Dr. Mallya's web hack has deeply affected the morale of the team and that the boys are mentally tired. This, he says was the reason the team got 88 all out. (When confronted with the question that the match happened before the hack, a miffed Dhoni said: "Well if it had happened after the hack, the team would have been 8 all out". None understood the logic, of course! )

After a lot of goading, Dr. Mallya chose to speak on this matter. But what he spoke remains unclear because Arnob Goswarmi "Mr Mallya I'm asking a direct question I want a direct answer"ed even before Mallya opened his mouth. A frustrated Mallya shouted Oo La La Le Lo before splashing Whyte & Mackay on the camera.