Case filed against 7UP

Muthukumar, a college student from Chennai has filed a complaint against soft drink company 7UP. He claims the 7UP advertisements screened during IPL on Set MAX are misleading, and that the company should immediately be booked for false claims.

Says Muthukumar - "My Tata Photon connection busted up right when I was watching porn. I guess it can't handle heavy stuff. So I decided to catch up on some soft porn atleast, and went out to buy a Times of India newspaper. Thats when a crow flew right up my head and shitted on me. I remembered this ad featuring Sharman Joshi, in which he says you become all cool about crow shit in 7 seconds, once you drink 7UP. "

"But damn! I got even angrier! Those 7 seconds I spent in drinking 7UP, the shit dried up and formed a patch on my shirt. People all around were laughing at me! Next time, I first cleaned up the shit, looked up and drank 7UP, and this time, right at the end of the 7th second, the same crow shitted right on my face, just when I was about to form the 'cool' expression on my face. I have filed a complaint to the Consumer court of India, and I'm confident justice will be served."

Meanwhile, 7UP has denied any allegations of misleading its consumers. Says its Marketing Chief - "The concerned person has failed to notice the star (*) and the "terms and conditions" apply tags. If one looks closely at the ad, one would notice that 7UP 7 second formula works only when the crow shits on the left shoulder, and when the concerned person is a brand ambassador of our company. We never hold any information from our consumers."

Anna Hazare, Sharad Pawar, and others

The indefinite hunger strike called on by Anna Hazare has stirred up the different reactions from different people. Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar, who also heads the ICC (read BCCI) has said that the Anna Hazare fasting at Jantar Mantar is a fake one, and people should not get carried away by his antics. "The real Anna Hazare is locked up in T3 Terminal. What has been presented to the people of India is a fake one." Mr. Pawar remained silent for sometime and let journalists photograph him, to arrive at a suitable #SharadPawarFace.

Asked if the government would react to the demands of Anna Hazare, Mr. Pawar gave a candid answer. "The government shall give two hoots to his demands, whatever they are." He took out a small trumpet from his pocket, usually reserved for the signature IPL tune, to give two hoots. "See? The government is serious about whatever it says." Meanwhile, PepsiCo, which had a successful world cup campaign, has decided to sponsor Hazare's fast-unto-death with its Kurkure brand of snacks. Coca-Cola, not willing to be left out, has gone the social-media way, engaging consumers with a "Click to feed Anna Hazare with two drops of Coke" Facebook application.

Communications Minister Kapil Sibal, who famously said that there was zero-loss to the exchequer in the 2G scam, maintained that there was zero-corruption in the government, and that Anna Hazare was not fasting, but dieting, to burn some extra calories. The anti-corruption issue has however found enormous support from Indians worldwide.People across the world are working hard to come up with "Sharad Pawar, Kapil Sibal, Manmohan, Lokpal Bill and Anna Hazare" anagrams. Said a regular wanna-be anagram tweeter. " Manmohan, 'Anna Hazare' ke upar 'Nazar hae na'?.....I'm hoping my anagram makes sense and gets re-tweeted by @rameshsrivats."

Poonam Pandey, who was in the limelight for her strip offer to the victorious Indian team, has also offered to do her 'bit' for the nation. "I love my country. I shall strip naked till corruption is abolished in India. I am doing it out of love for the nation. I have written a letter to the Prime Minister's Office seeking permission to strip naked. If the laws of the land don't permit stripping, I shall definitely strip against corruption in Cayman Islands or Switzerland."

President of India, Mrs. Pratibha Patil has said that she would host a tea party to Anna Hazare if he was victorious. "I shall also use my previous cooking experience to cook some food and serve it to Hazare ji if he decides to end his fast."

World Cup and Census of India in trouble

The World Cup organizers are in trouble. So is the World Cup, and quite possibly, the Census Commissioner of India. Mahipaleshwaran, from Karur district in Tamilnadu, demanded the school teacher who came home for survey, the World Cup. "Where is the Cup that counts?", he asked. The bewildered teacher tried explaining to him that she was there to take the head count on behalf of the Government of India, but that only enraged Mahipaleshwaran.

"Nothing in India does what it claims to do! Last week I had constipation, and the doctor prescribed me some pills. Since it was the first time I was using those pills, I decided to eat a few Cadbury Diary Milks for a 'Shubh Aarambh'. The constipation multiplied exponentially! Now even government agencies have started advertising tall claims! Why aren't these census officials coming with the cup which they claimed can count?" Mahipaleshwaran has demanded the Census Commission and ICC World Cup committee to declare public their activities using the RTI act.

In a bid to avoid fuss, the ICC sent a replica of the World Cup and a ventriloquist to Karur to convince Mahi that the Cup could indeed count. The move, however failed when Mahi snatched the Cup, went to a crowded bar and asked the Cup to count the number of people. "Blatant lie! They should've clearly mentioned in the advertisements that the Cup can count only one person!" His neighbor, Ponnambalam, had similar concerns. "I was playing Need for Speed on my computer. I wanted to switch to Prince of Persia. Hence I drank Pepsi. But the bloody game never changed! I even painted my body and did all those silly things that the cricketers did in the advertisement, but alas, PEPSI DID NOT CHANGE THE GAME!!" Mahipaleshwaran and Ponnambalam have jointly filed a Public Interest Litigation regarding the issue.

Veteran lawyers predict that the court might issue directives to the companies to add a few lines in the advertisements. "It could be something like: 'The Cup that counts, but not people or anything physical or quantifiable, and most definitely can't take a census.' Yes, that would mean few extra seconds in terms of ad length and a lot more money. But corporates must have a responsibility of being honest and clear with the people, which in the long run could bring loyal customers."

Meanwhile Opposition Party leaders have blamed the UPA government for poor planning. "How can you have a Cup that counts and the Census of India in the same year? It is obviously bound to confuse aam admi. Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi should personally take full responsibility for this."

Shah Rukh responsible for Eden Gardens cancellation

Here's the latest twist in the Eden Gardens fiasco: CAB has squarely blamed Kolkata Knight Riders owner Shah Rukh Khan for the World Cup venue cancellation. Says CAB chief Jagmohan Dalmiya - "Ever since SRK didn't retain Saurav Ganguly in Kolkata IPL team, there's been growing dissent in West Bengal, more particularly among the construction workers in Eden Gardens. They have stopped working, and are threatening to blow up completed portions of the stadium, if Saurav isn't offered a place in KKR. They have taken up jobs in hartals and strikes elsewhere in the country, and won't return till they hear a positive result about Dada."

Says Bhattacharya, a worker - "This is atrocious! Dada underperformed in the IPLs deliberately, out of concern for Bengalis. He didn't want us to see the gory sight of Shah Rukh Khan dancing naked on the field. Dada was even under tremendous pressure from Karan Johar to win the IPL for KKR. But being the true Bengali that he is, he dropped catches and scored ducks to save the nation from obscene embarrasments. Saurav Ganguly must be awarded the Bharath Rathna for what he did!"

When mediapersons questioned about Ganguly's omission from KKR, here's what SRK had to say. " I really cannot comment on why the other teams haven't chosen Dada. Everyone has their own plans, and its upto the owners to choose or not to choose a player. All I can say is that Saurav is a fantastic player and a sportsman." When irritated mediapersons again questioned SRK about why HE didn't pick Saurav, they got the same answer. Apparently, Shah Rukh's PR hasn't returned yet from Christmas holidays.

Meanwhile, the bottling industry in West Bengal has hit an all time low. Anticipating a huge turnout for world cup, several bottles were being manufactured for throwing on players' heads. With the match being cancelled, orders have been withdrawn and severe losses have been reported. Reports have it that an attempt to loot all bottles by Tamilnadu CM Karunanidhi, for free distribution in his state, have been thwarted.

Interestingly, Yuvraj Singh seemed very happy at the cancellation of Eden Gardens venue. He has even suggested alternate venues like Dharmasala and Goa. Says Yuvraj - "Its a nightmare for any cricketer to be called 'waterboy' by an 80,000 odd crowd. Hence I've suggested alternate venues with lesser crowd capacity, where a collective 'waterboy' chant will sound like a hymn, rather than a boo." As the saying goes, one's loss is one's gain.

Ten Sports speaks. "Between overs ad" issue heatens up!

Ten Sports has replied to the show-cause notice issued against it for violating advertising laws. A briefing by Ten Sports lawyer Haridas revealed shocking insights into the root cause of ad-menace affecting millions of Indian cricket lovers. Excerpts of Mr. Haridas's briefing are presented below.

"ISI! Pakistan's ISI is responsible for diluting viewer's frame and congesting it with nonsensical ads. The ISI sends stealth planes across the border and above our stadiums. These planes come fitted with projectors, which project the static ads that one sees in the wicketkeepers end. These ads make a mockery out of Indian brands. Deliberately, the ISI chooses under-performing brands, screens it in prime overs, and influences Indian viewers' buying decisions. For example, a lot of people went ahead with choosing Tata DoCoMo after they saw DoCoMo ads appearing suddenly on either side of Dhoni's butt. But unfortunately, their networks don't seem to have coverage. By encouraging viewers to buy shit products, ISI forces other companies to manufacture similar shits, and thus is trying to make India a land of shit products and shit companies."

Indian skipper MS Dhoni, who was also present during the briefing, nodded furiously. "Well off course I dropped catches because of Sangeetha mobiles! I lost visibility of the ball due to overlapping colors. If the ISI wants to continue similar gimmicks, it must atleast make sure the ads don't have color shades that match the cricket ball's color."

Meanwhile, ISI had denied any sort of involvement in the matter. "Well their own people don't like to see Ashish Nehra or Ravindra Jadeja playing. So they try those Seagram on-the-pitch explosion type ads to try and kill their own cricketers. Must be the work of some expert hacker. Their CBI must try and find out who the hacker is from the Kill Ravindra Jadeja Facebook community."

Aakash Karat, a Communist party member said - "Technology of all sorts must be abolished. Its the people who matter. Broadcasters must stop showing the score, overs and batsmen-bowler details too. Nothing other than core cricket must be shown. This way, a lot of employment can be created by appointing freelance scorers for every home. The government must issue free blackboard and chalk pieces to these scorers so that they earn a decent living."

IIM-CAT's new quota from 2012

While the rest of the country is analyzing toppers and trends of CAT 2011, IIM has announced some major changes in its admissions policy, which will be implemented next year. A visibly excited IIM-A Director Samir Baruah spoke to media persons.

"The Cabinet has Kapil Sibal. Cricket has Ravindra Jadeja. Bollywood has Shahid Kapoor and India has Arindham Chaudri. Incompetency is everywhere. It is the very foundation on which Indian work culture lies. Every business unit has incompetency, and every organization has incompetent managers. To facilitate the smooth gelling of IIM graduates with incompetent peers, we have decided to bring in diversity into our classrooms by admitting incompetent students."

Mr. Baruah continued explaining to a shocked gathering. "From next year onwards, we will have a separate quota for those under 1 percentile. There will be separate GD and PI for these people, and those who manage not to talk inspite of heavy persuasions shall be admitted. The emphasis will be on sleeping and burping, two qualities that define an incompetent manager in boardroom meetings."

When we raised the issue about someone who would know all the answers but deliberately mark the wrong answers to get into the incompetent quota, Mr. Baruah smiled satisfactorily to himself. "Ahh... There's the IIM touch. We're not just looking at wrong answers, we're considering the wrong approach too. Students will have to type their methodology with which they derive answers. We're looking for candidates who can apply Pythagoras theorem on Profit & Loss problems to arrive at a choice."

Kumar, an incompetent aspirant spoke to us. "This is great news. I will play Minesweeper during next CAT. Or Pinball maybe. Prometric should ask applicants their choice of games while filling out the application!" Meanwhile, several corporates have shown interest in sending their managers for the Executive Incompetent degrees. The ideology behind this is to keep incompetent professionals away for sometime while devising ways to improve company performances.

Why Ravindra Jadeja was bought for $950000

Kochi IPL franchisee has defended its $950000 bid to buy Ravindra Jadeja. After an exciting auction, Vivek Venugopal, one of the owners of the consortium spoke to reporters from near the BCCI notice board. Asked about the odd location for an interview, Vivek said he checked the notice board every evening to see if his franchisee had been forwarded any show-cause by BCCI.

“Sreesanth has been the longest serving Kerala cricketer. Our brand value would be greatly increased with Sreesanth as our captain. Having said that, we needed someone miserable on the field to make Sreesanth look like Wisden Cricketer of the Year. The obvious choice was Ravindra Jadeja, and we went all out to buy him.” Mr. Venugopal’s lips tweaked at odd angles every time he mentioned Jadeja’s name.

“The rest of the auction room obviously didn’t know of our strategy, and we were met with hostility after winning Jadeja. The waiters in the hotel stopped replacing our water bottles. The auctioneer stood paralyzed, and we had to inject steroids on him to hit the hammer one final time to confirm Jadeja’s bid. We even received condolence messages from Kochi and other parts of Kerala like Dubai and Bahrain.”

Ravindra Jadeja, buoyed by his auction prices, has reportedly negotiated a deal with Manchester United. Sources have confirmed that IPL new boss Chirayu Amin has already slapped a show-cause notice to Manchester United, and is considering extending Jadeja’s IPL ban to one more year.

Meanwhile, corporates and general public who searched for IPL Kochi’s website on Google were met with dismay. Said Omanakuttan from Allepey – “This is atrocious! First, Sashi Tharoor disappears from Twitter. Next, we find no website for our IPL team. This must be a collaborative work of Lalit Modi and Pakistani hackers!” Others, who managed to find sites kochiipl.com and kochiteam.com were confused which was the official site, though they maintained that both sites looked equally awful and comparable to bcci.tv.

Moving on to other related news, Sony Max has confirmed that it has got premium sponsors for the Pune vs Kochi match tosses. With Smith’s name being on the rounds for Pune IPL captaincy, and Sreesanth almost having been confirmed as Kochi captain, the match tosses should be more interesting than the matches themselves. Sreesanth is expected to invite Graeme Smith’s family for the toss.