IPL4, crowd attendance and World Cup impact

It has been just one week since IPL began, and teams have played a couple of matches each. But the hype that surrounds the T20 extravaganza, which is usually high during the start and end of the league stage, hasn’t been quite as it was during the previous editions. Though Set Max is doing a good job not covering the empty stands, it isn’t hard to guess attendance levels are an abysmal low.

Interestingly, people’s involvement and support for IPL was being talked about just five days before the start of the tournament. In fact, right after India won the World Cup. While some people said India’s win in the WC would further boost IPL attendance, a wise few hash tagged IPL with yawn even before it began.

What marketing whiz-kids should be studying is whether the decline in eyeballs and/or ticket sales linked to people’s behavioral pattern, or a failure to promote the product properly. Before discussing if this is due to people’s mindset, let us see if the IPL Marketing department has done enough from its side.

To start with, IPL never did announce its coming properly. Though the “Bharath Bandh” campaign by JWT India was fairly good, the advertisements were never in places where the eyeballs were. In the previous years, the IPL advertisements could be seen frequently even in regional channels. This year, considering that there was already a mammoth product (The World Cup) doing the rounds, they should have tried harder for advertising space. While most billboards, online space and TVCs were booked for the World Cup, the IPL should have had its share of presence to sell itself. From the knock-out stage of the WC, many top brands were ready to shell out millions of dollars to woo consumers. Considering that IPL itself is a billion dollar product, maybe it should have advertised strongly during the World Cup to win fan fervor.

What BCCI must keep in mind is that IPL never succeeded because of cricket. Well if it was cricket, ICL should’ve succeeded too, right? Lalit Modi knew this too well. There was always something to talk about the IPL. The parties, the cheer-girls, Bollywood, something interesting was always on. Mr. Modi made sure of that. The IPL chairman also led from the front, was always ready for an interview, was media friendly, and was everywhere.

Also, there seem to be no innovations this year. Or atleast, none that have been noticed, except better graphics for scorecards and players info. Think what the previous editions had to offer new to the consumers – player mics, the famed eagle cam, even an advertising stint like the MRF blimp was being talked about.

Some studies last year talked about good advertisements having a positive impact on game viewer ship. Many brands, which had a good run during the World Cup, have invested in IPL too, hoping for the momentum to continue, and not to lose out to competitors. These brands, if it is possible, must shoot fresh commercials, and not use the ones they used all through the long world cup. Only then, people will show interest. Else, they hardly seem to notice the advertisements.

And now, the impact of World Cup on IPL viewer ship. Indians had invested a lot of time and money for the World Cup. They might also be emotionally drained. After having seen the cricket’s most coveted prize being won by the country, everything else might seem trivial. Or maybe the World Cup hangover still lingers. Whatever it is, the IPL guys need to think quick, and bring back the crowds. Surely, Lalit Modi’s absence is being felt.

Case filed against 7UP

Muthukumar, a college student from Chennai has filed a complaint against soft drink company 7UP. He claims the 7UP advertisements screened during IPL on Set MAX are misleading, and that the company should immediately be booked for false claims.

Says Muthukumar - "My Tata Photon connection busted up right when I was watching porn. I guess it can't handle heavy stuff. So I decided to catch up on some soft porn atleast, and went out to buy a Times of India newspaper. Thats when a crow flew right up my head and shitted on me. I remembered this ad featuring Sharman Joshi, in which he says you become all cool about crow shit in 7 seconds, once you drink 7UP. "

"But damn! I got even angrier! Those 7 seconds I spent in drinking 7UP, the shit dried up and formed a patch on my shirt. People all around were laughing at me! Next time, I first cleaned up the shit, looked up and drank 7UP, and this time, right at the end of the 7th second, the same crow shitted right on my face, just when I was about to form the 'cool' expression on my face. I have filed a complaint to the Consumer court of India, and I'm confident justice will be served."

Meanwhile, 7UP has denied any allegations of misleading its consumers. Says its Marketing Chief - "The concerned person has failed to notice the star (*) and the "terms and conditions" apply tags. If one looks closely at the ad, one would notice that 7UP 7 second formula works only when the crow shits on the left shoulder, and when the concerned person is a brand ambassador of our company. We never hold any information from our consumers."

Anna Hazare, Sharad Pawar, and others

The indefinite hunger strike called on by Anna Hazare has stirred up the different reactions from different people. Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar, who also heads the ICC (read BCCI) has said that the Anna Hazare fasting at Jantar Mantar is a fake one, and people should not get carried away by his antics. "The real Anna Hazare is locked up in T3 Terminal. What has been presented to the people of India is a fake one." Mr. Pawar remained silent for sometime and let journalists photograph him, to arrive at a suitable #SharadPawarFace.

Asked if the government would react to the demands of Anna Hazare, Mr. Pawar gave a candid answer. "The government shall give two hoots to his demands, whatever they are." He took out a small trumpet from his pocket, usually reserved for the signature IPL tune, to give two hoots. "See? The government is serious about whatever it says." Meanwhile, PepsiCo, which had a successful world cup campaign, has decided to sponsor Hazare's fast-unto-death with its Kurkure brand of snacks. Coca-Cola, not willing to be left out, has gone the social-media way, engaging consumers with a "Click to feed Anna Hazare with two drops of Coke" Facebook application.

Communications Minister Kapil Sibal, who famously said that there was zero-loss to the exchequer in the 2G scam, maintained that there was zero-corruption in the government, and that Anna Hazare was not fasting, but dieting, to burn some extra calories. The anti-corruption issue has however found enormous support from Indians worldwide.People across the world are working hard to come up with "Sharad Pawar, Kapil Sibal, Manmohan, Lokpal Bill and Anna Hazare" anagrams. Said a regular wanna-be anagram tweeter. " Manmohan, 'Anna Hazare' ke upar 'Nazar hae na'?.....I'm hoping my anagram makes sense and gets re-tweeted by @rameshsrivats."

Poonam Pandey, who was in the limelight for her strip offer to the victorious Indian team, has also offered to do her 'bit' for the nation. "I love my country. I shall strip naked till corruption is abolished in India. I am doing it out of love for the nation. I have written a letter to the Prime Minister's Office seeking permission to strip naked. If the laws of the land don't permit stripping, I shall definitely strip against corruption in Cayman Islands or Switzerland."

President of India, Mrs. Pratibha Patil has said that she would host a tea party to Anna Hazare if he was victorious. "I shall also use my previous cooking experience to cook some food and serve it to Hazare ji if he decides to end his fast."

Another WikiLeak: Afridi-Gilani cable hacked

WikiLeaks has gone the multinational corporation way by investing heavily in Asian markets. The trick seems to have worked for the whistle-blower website, with most humor bloggers and the not-so-humorous bloggers using the "(Famous Person) does the (infamous thing) - latest WikiLeaks revelations" template for their posts, when desperately out of ideas. Here's the latest WikiLeaks revelation.

Pakistan Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani called up U.S. President Barack Obama and asked for immediate financial assistance in wake of the India VS Pakistan semi-finals cricket encounter. Mr. Gilani is alleged to have promised President Obama that the money given would be used strictly for development of internet centers, buying millions of computers, and training Pakistanis on how to use Facebook. The reason behind this was found from another WikiLeaks cable-hack between Pakistan captain Shahid Afridi and PM Yousuf Gilani.

Afridi is believed to told a shocked PM Gilani about Pakistan's exit from the semi-finals on basis of polls on popular social networking site Facebook. He further urged Mr. Gilani to ensure that all the Pakistanis in the world participated in the poll and ensure that Pakistan came head-to-head with India in the polls. When Gilani asked Afridi to walk the talk and immediately vote for Pakistan in the poll, Afridi irritated the PM by saying that he was just 12 years old, and was legally not allowed to use websites.

Meanwhile, US has rubbished the reports. A White House spokesman went on to say that, from their sources in India, they had learnt that Afridi never used Facebook. "Afridi WAS using the internet, but for other reasons. The FBI hacked his computer and submitted to us a list of key words he was using on Google search, which include, but are not limited to 'Hot Girls in Mohali', 'Hot women who love bearded men who lie about their ages', etc". In New Delhi, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, now accustomed to being answerable for everything, held a press conference and spoke the following words: "Inflation is worrying, corruption is bad, WikiLeaks is wrong."

BCCI, after figuring out that the Facebook polls have been very beneficial to Indians, has pushed the ICC to use Facebook Polls instead of the hugely unpopular UDRS. N. Srinivasan, Board President has also hinted that the team management might soon use Polls to decide between Ashish Nehra and Piyush Chawla for water-boy role.

BCCI to rename Power-plays

After repeated failures by the batsmen in Power-plays, and subsequent criticism by media and public, the BCCI has finally acted, and come to the rescue of its cricketers. "We have put forth a request to the ICC, which is essentially BCCI, to cancel the concept of Power-play. Henceforth, all Indian batting overs shall be called Fore-plays. This is to ensure that the batsmen enjoy themselves when out there in the middle, and not throw away wickets." - a pleased looking spokesperson said.

"We are also doing what we can from our side to ensure that batsmen don't return to the crease faster than ShastriBot's tracer bullet. We've requested Sachin to personally go and ask for appreciations from the next 3 batsmen after he's dismissed. All batsmen seem to be in some sense of urgency to rush back to dressing room and congratulate Sachin."

Meanwhile, sources close to the Indian team say a Psychologist has been appointed to help batsmen break inhibitions and perform better during Power-plays. The psychologist is rumored to have advised batsmen to imagine bowlers during Power-plays to be Ashish Nehra. Also, Munaf Patel and Nehra were told to visualize each other as bowler and self as fielder when they were batting.

In related news, BCCI has refused Walt Disney rights to make comedy movies based on Ravi Shastri-MS Dhoni post match presentation ceremonies.

World Cup and Census of India in trouble

The World Cup organizers are in trouble. So is the World Cup, and quite possibly, the Census Commissioner of India. Mahipaleshwaran, from Karur district in Tamilnadu, demanded the school teacher who came home for survey, the World Cup. "Where is the Cup that counts?", he asked. The bewildered teacher tried explaining to him that she was there to take the head count on behalf of the Government of India, but that only enraged Mahipaleshwaran.

"Nothing in India does what it claims to do! Last week I had constipation, and the doctor prescribed me some pills. Since it was the first time I was using those pills, I decided to eat a few Cadbury Diary Milks for a 'Shubh Aarambh'. The constipation multiplied exponentially! Now even government agencies have started advertising tall claims! Why aren't these census officials coming with the cup which they claimed can count?" Mahipaleshwaran has demanded the Census Commission and ICC World Cup committee to declare public their activities using the RTI act.

In a bid to avoid fuss, the ICC sent a replica of the World Cup and a ventriloquist to Karur to convince Mahi that the Cup could indeed count. The move, however failed when Mahi snatched the Cup, went to a crowded bar and asked the Cup to count the number of people. "Blatant lie! They should've clearly mentioned in the advertisements that the Cup can count only one person!" His neighbor, Ponnambalam, had similar concerns. "I was playing Need for Speed on my computer. I wanted to switch to Prince of Persia. Hence I drank Pepsi. But the bloody game never changed! I even painted my body and did all those silly things that the cricketers did in the advertisement, but alas, PEPSI DID NOT CHANGE THE GAME!!" Mahipaleshwaran and Ponnambalam have jointly filed a Public Interest Litigation regarding the issue.

Veteran lawyers predict that the court might issue directives to the companies to add a few lines in the advertisements. "It could be something like: 'The Cup that counts, but not people or anything physical or quantifiable, and most definitely can't take a census.' Yes, that would mean few extra seconds in terms of ad length and a lot more money. But corporates must have a responsibility of being honest and clear with the people, which in the long run could bring loyal customers."

Meanwhile Opposition Party leaders have blamed the UPA government for poor planning. "How can you have a Cup that counts and the Census of India in the same year? It is obviously bound to confuse aam admi. Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi should personally take full responsibility for this."

2G SCAM MOVES TO CRICKET!

Protests by public, media and politicians to arrest "All" those involved in the 2G issue has now backfired, and has only escalated tensions between law enforcement agencies and general public. The Chennai wing of CBI has arrested several thousand gully cricketers across the city, and the exercise is expected to be followed in the rest of the country too.

Says Vicky, friend of Karthi, an arrested in the 2G scam - " We were playing in the apartment terrace. Karthi needed 2 to win off one ball. I bowled a full toss, and Karthi hit the ball hard on Ground Floor Maami's saree, which was drying on the clothes line and started shouting "DAI 2G 2G 2G winnu winnu winnu WINNERS FIRSTU". Out of nowhere, a helicopter landed, police mama came out, handcuffed Karthi and put him inside the chopper. They also made me bowl for around 10 overs, all police played. But they didn't bowl back and flew off in the chopper. Gaajadi pasanga!!"

Gully lawmakers of the game are now thinking of ways to implement the 'Granted' (G) runs system without attracting attention of CBI. "One option is to run the first run, and grant the batsman 1G. We're still thinking of innovative ways - to either rename that 2* shot, or come up with other alternatives."

With most of the city's cricketers arrested in the 2G scam, schools in Chennai now face a gender inequality problem. The Mayor has put forth a proposal to import boys from non-cricketing states like Arunachal Pradesh and Sikkim at subsidized rates. The few remaining boys are also being forced to turn mahipals, with most of them being forced to play 'O pillar *tak-tak-tak* Cater-Pillar *tak-tak-tak* ' with the girls. "The future looks bright for us" said a smiling Gokulakrishnan, a veteran mahipal.

Meanwhile Shahnaz, a leading dietitian, who never sees patients but gives the diet angle for all newspaper-reported issues said 2G must be abolished since it makes kids lazy, doesn't make them run, and would lead to obesity at a later stage. Vijay Dahiya, a former cricketer from the city, however feels that 2G must be brought into mainstream cricket to facilitate the likes of Ashish Nehra and Munaf Patel.

Shah Rukh responsible for Eden Gardens cancellation

Here's the latest twist in the Eden Gardens fiasco: CAB has squarely blamed Kolkata Knight Riders owner Shah Rukh Khan for the World Cup venue cancellation. Says CAB chief Jagmohan Dalmiya - "Ever since SRK didn't retain Saurav Ganguly in Kolkata IPL team, there's been growing dissent in West Bengal, more particularly among the construction workers in Eden Gardens. They have stopped working, and are threatening to blow up completed portions of the stadium, if Saurav isn't offered a place in KKR. They have taken up jobs in hartals and strikes elsewhere in the country, and won't return till they hear a positive result about Dada."

Says Bhattacharya, a worker - "This is atrocious! Dada underperformed in the IPLs deliberately, out of concern for Bengalis. He didn't want us to see the gory sight of Shah Rukh Khan dancing naked on the field. Dada was even under tremendous pressure from Karan Johar to win the IPL for KKR. But being the true Bengali that he is, he dropped catches and scored ducks to save the nation from obscene embarrasments. Saurav Ganguly must be awarded the Bharath Rathna for what he did!"

When mediapersons questioned about Ganguly's omission from KKR, here's what SRK had to say. " I really cannot comment on why the other teams haven't chosen Dada. Everyone has their own plans, and its upto the owners to choose or not to choose a player. All I can say is that Saurav is a fantastic player and a sportsman." When irritated mediapersons again questioned SRK about why HE didn't pick Saurav, they got the same answer. Apparently, Shah Rukh's PR hasn't returned yet from Christmas holidays.

Meanwhile, the bottling industry in West Bengal has hit an all time low. Anticipating a huge turnout for world cup, several bottles were being manufactured for throwing on players' heads. With the match being cancelled, orders have been withdrawn and severe losses have been reported. Reports have it that an attempt to loot all bottles by Tamilnadu CM Karunanidhi, for free distribution in his state, have been thwarted.

Interestingly, Yuvraj Singh seemed very happy at the cancellation of Eden Gardens venue. He has even suggested alternate venues like Dharmasala and Goa. Says Yuvraj - "Its a nightmare for any cricketer to be called 'waterboy' by an 80,000 odd crowd. Hence I've suggested alternate venues with lesser crowd capacity, where a collective 'waterboy' chant will sound like a hymn, rather than a boo." As the saying goes, one's loss is one's gain.

Ten Sports speaks. "Between overs ad" issue heatens up!

Ten Sports has replied to the show-cause notice issued against it for violating advertising laws. A briefing by Ten Sports lawyer Haridas revealed shocking insights into the root cause of ad-menace affecting millions of Indian cricket lovers. Excerpts of Mr. Haridas's briefing are presented below.

"ISI! Pakistan's ISI is responsible for diluting viewer's frame and congesting it with nonsensical ads. The ISI sends stealth planes across the border and above our stadiums. These planes come fitted with projectors, which project the static ads that one sees in the wicketkeepers end. These ads make a mockery out of Indian brands. Deliberately, the ISI chooses under-performing brands, screens it in prime overs, and influences Indian viewers' buying decisions. For example, a lot of people went ahead with choosing Tata DoCoMo after they saw DoCoMo ads appearing suddenly on either side of Dhoni's butt. But unfortunately, their networks don't seem to have coverage. By encouraging viewers to buy shit products, ISI forces other companies to manufacture similar shits, and thus is trying to make India a land of shit products and shit companies."

Indian skipper MS Dhoni, who was also present during the briefing, nodded furiously. "Well off course I dropped catches because of Sangeetha mobiles! I lost visibility of the ball due to overlapping colors. If the ISI wants to continue similar gimmicks, it must atleast make sure the ads don't have color shades that match the cricket ball's color."

Meanwhile, ISI had denied any sort of involvement in the matter. "Well their own people don't like to see Ashish Nehra or Ravindra Jadeja playing. So they try those Seagram on-the-pitch explosion type ads to try and kill their own cricketers. Must be the work of some expert hacker. Their CBI must try and find out who the hacker is from the Kill Ravindra Jadeja Facebook community."

Aakash Karat, a Communist party member said - "Technology of all sorts must be abolished. Its the people who matter. Broadcasters must stop showing the score, overs and batsmen-bowler details too. Nothing other than core cricket must be shown. This way, a lot of employment can be created by appointing freelance scorers for every home. The government must issue free blackboard and chalk pieces to these scorers so that they earn a decent living."

IIM-CAT's new quota from 2012

While the rest of the country is analyzing toppers and trends of CAT 2011, IIM has announced some major changes in its admissions policy, which will be implemented next year. A visibly excited IIM-A Director Samir Baruah spoke to media persons.

"The Cabinet has Kapil Sibal. Cricket has Ravindra Jadeja. Bollywood has Shahid Kapoor and India has Arindham Chaudri. Incompetency is everywhere. It is the very foundation on which Indian work culture lies. Every business unit has incompetency, and every organization has incompetent managers. To facilitate the smooth gelling of IIM graduates with incompetent peers, we have decided to bring in diversity into our classrooms by admitting incompetent students."

Mr. Baruah continued explaining to a shocked gathering. "From next year onwards, we will have a separate quota for those under 1 percentile. There will be separate GD and PI for these people, and those who manage not to talk inspite of heavy persuasions shall be admitted. The emphasis will be on sleeping and burping, two qualities that define an incompetent manager in boardroom meetings."

When we raised the issue about someone who would know all the answers but deliberately mark the wrong answers to get into the incompetent quota, Mr. Baruah smiled satisfactorily to himself. "Ahh... There's the IIM touch. We're not just looking at wrong answers, we're considering the wrong approach too. Students will have to type their methodology with which they derive answers. We're looking for candidates who can apply Pythagoras theorem on Profit & Loss problems to arrive at a choice."

Kumar, an incompetent aspirant spoke to us. "This is great news. I will play Minesweeper during next CAT. Or Pinball maybe. Prometric should ask applicants their choice of games while filling out the application!" Meanwhile, several corporates have shown interest in sending their managers for the Executive Incompetent degrees. The ideology behind this is to keep incompetent professionals away for sometime while devising ways to improve company performances.

Why Ravindra Jadeja was bought for $950000

Kochi IPL franchisee has defended its $950000 bid to buy Ravindra Jadeja. After an exciting auction, Vivek Venugopal, one of the owners of the consortium spoke to reporters from near the BCCI notice board. Asked about the odd location for an interview, Vivek said he checked the notice board every evening to see if his franchisee had been forwarded any show-cause by BCCI.

“Sreesanth has been the longest serving Kerala cricketer. Our brand value would be greatly increased with Sreesanth as our captain. Having said that, we needed someone miserable on the field to make Sreesanth look like Wisden Cricketer of the Year. The obvious choice was Ravindra Jadeja, and we went all out to buy him.” Mr. Venugopal’s lips tweaked at odd angles every time he mentioned Jadeja’s name.

“The rest of the auction room obviously didn’t know of our strategy, and we were met with hostility after winning Jadeja. The waiters in the hotel stopped replacing our water bottles. The auctioneer stood paralyzed, and we had to inject steroids on him to hit the hammer one final time to confirm Jadeja’s bid. We even received condolence messages from Kochi and other parts of Kerala like Dubai and Bahrain.”

Ravindra Jadeja, buoyed by his auction prices, has reportedly negotiated a deal with Manchester United. Sources have confirmed that IPL new boss Chirayu Amin has already slapped a show-cause notice to Manchester United, and is considering extending Jadeja’s IPL ban to one more year.

Meanwhile, corporates and general public who searched for IPL Kochi’s website on Google were met with dismay. Said Omanakuttan from Allepey – “This is atrocious! First, Sashi Tharoor disappears from Twitter. Next, we find no website for our IPL team. This must be a collaborative work of Lalit Modi and Pakistani hackers!” Others, who managed to find sites kochiipl.com and kochiteam.com were confused which was the official site, though they maintained that both sites looked equally awful and comparable to bcci.tv.

Moving on to other related news, Sony Max has confirmed that it has got premium sponsors for the Pune vs Kochi match tosses. With Smith’s name being on the rounds for Pune IPL captaincy, and Sreesanth almost having been confirmed as Kochi captain, the match tosses should be more interesting than the matches themselves. Sreesanth is expected to invite Graeme Smith’s family for the toss.

Mark Zuckerberg's "Facebook - Vision 2011"

Facebook has begun 2011 with a boardroom discussion on breathtaking innovations that could change the way netizens socialize. While the rest of the world was busy boozing, biking and bursting crackers on new year eve, Mark Zuckerberg called all his employees for an urgent meeting to discuss Facebook's innovations. The irritated employees are rumoured to have reported abuse against Zuckerberg on his Facebook account. The following are excerpts from the high-level innovation brainstorming.

With several internet users choosing to Tweet, advertisers have also started migrating to Twitter. Zuckerberg proposed a novel strategy to retain users and get them closer to Facebook - further reduce font size. He suggested an apt font size of 8, which would ensure that a user literally kissed his monitor to be able to read clearly. "Nothing can come in between Facebook and its user!", declared Zuckerberg, filmy style.

Keeping in view the changing relationships and dynamic emotions between people, apart from the Poke button, several add-on features like Pinch, Punch, Kick, Slap and Strangle The Neck are to be introduced. Thus, a variety of hellos, starting from a 'simple' hello to 'I know you aren't busy why the hell haven't you been in touch' hello would be covered.

Apart from the Friends Suggestion option ( which, Zuckerberg conceded was paranoid, since Fb once suggested Sashi Tharoor under 'Friends you may know' ), there will be an 'Urgently Unfriend' option. People who update weather details, digestive system details, stolen love quotes and crap that they themselves wouldn't have understood would be suggested for unfriending. Facebook also seemed to have solved its smiley problem, wherein users have had to click external links to view smileys. ('I've added smileys to this status update. Wanna see them?? Visit....) From now on, all smileys would be delivered separately to email accounts as attachments, thus reducing spam risks.

Several long term Facebook users quit in recent months, when people 'liked' their "I'm down with fever", "Paul the Octopus is dead" updates. To stop people from randomly liking updates that would infuriate the poster, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND" button has been added for the mentally challenged users. In another first, Predictive Analytics would be used to automatically generate 'like' to all posts and photos from women. The rationale behind this is to save time and energy for men, whose sole purpose of existance on Facebook is to 'like' all abstract updates from women.

Mr. Zuckerberg promised there would be more interesting and captivating innovations. With Facebook reportedly having the 3rd largest population after China and India, he said he would definitely demand a place for it in the United Nations Security Council. Before calling off the meeting, Zuckerberg created separate pages for 'Happy','New','Year' and '2011' and urged his employees to like and share all pages.