World Cup and Census of India in trouble

The World Cup organizers are in trouble. So is the World Cup, and quite possibly, the Census Commissioner of India. Mahipaleshwaran, from Karur district in Tamilnadu, demanded the school teacher who came home for survey, the World Cup. "Where is the Cup that counts?", he asked. The bewildered teacher tried explaining to him that she was there to take the head count on behalf of the Government of India, but that only enraged Mahipaleshwaran.

"Nothing in India does what it claims to do! Last week I had constipation, and the doctor prescribed me some pills. Since it was the first time I was using those pills, I decided to eat a few Cadbury Diary Milks for a 'Shubh Aarambh'. The constipation multiplied exponentially! Now even government agencies have started advertising tall claims! Why aren't these census officials coming with the cup which they claimed can count?" Mahipaleshwaran has demanded the Census Commission and ICC World Cup committee to declare public their activities using the RTI act.

In a bid to avoid fuss, the ICC sent a replica of the World Cup and a ventriloquist to Karur to convince Mahi that the Cup could indeed count. The move, however failed when Mahi snatched the Cup, went to a crowded bar and asked the Cup to count the number of people. "Blatant lie! They should've clearly mentioned in the advertisements that the Cup can count only one person!" His neighbor, Ponnambalam, had similar concerns. "I was playing Need for Speed on my computer. I wanted to switch to Prince of Persia. Hence I drank Pepsi. But the bloody game never changed! I even painted my body and did all those silly things that the cricketers did in the advertisement, but alas, PEPSI DID NOT CHANGE THE GAME!!" Mahipaleshwaran and Ponnambalam have jointly filed a Public Interest Litigation regarding the issue.

Veteran lawyers predict that the court might issue directives to the companies to add a few lines in the advertisements. "It could be something like: 'The Cup that counts, but not people or anything physical or quantifiable, and most definitely can't take a census.' Yes, that would mean few extra seconds in terms of ad length and a lot more money. But corporates must have a responsibility of being honest and clear with the people, which in the long run could bring loyal customers."

Meanwhile Opposition Party leaders have blamed the UPA government for poor planning. "How can you have a Cup that counts and the Census of India in the same year? It is obviously bound to confuse aam admi. Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi should personally take full responsibility for this."

2G SCAM MOVES TO CRICKET!

Protests by public, media and politicians to arrest "All" those involved in the 2G issue has now backfired, and has only escalated tensions between law enforcement agencies and general public. The Chennai wing of CBI has arrested several thousand gully cricketers across the city, and the exercise is expected to be followed in the rest of the country too.

Says Vicky, friend of Karthi, an arrested in the 2G scam - " We were playing in the apartment terrace. Karthi needed 2 to win off one ball. I bowled a full toss, and Karthi hit the ball hard on Ground Floor Maami's saree, which was drying on the clothes line and started shouting "DAI 2G 2G 2G winnu winnu winnu WINNERS FIRSTU". Out of nowhere, a helicopter landed, police mama came out, handcuffed Karthi and put him inside the chopper. They also made me bowl for around 10 overs, all police played. But they didn't bowl back and flew off in the chopper. Gaajadi pasanga!!"

Gully lawmakers of the game are now thinking of ways to implement the 'Granted' (G) runs system without attracting attention of CBI. "One option is to run the first run, and grant the batsman 1G. We're still thinking of innovative ways - to either rename that 2* shot, or come up with other alternatives."

With most of the city's cricketers arrested in the 2G scam, schools in Chennai now face a gender inequality problem. The Mayor has put forth a proposal to import boys from non-cricketing states like Arunachal Pradesh and Sikkim at subsidized rates. The few remaining boys are also being forced to turn mahipals, with most of them being forced to play 'O pillar *tak-tak-tak* Cater-Pillar *tak-tak-tak* ' with the girls. "The future looks bright for us" said a smiling Gokulakrishnan, a veteran mahipal.

Meanwhile Shahnaz, a leading dietitian, who never sees patients but gives the diet angle for all newspaper-reported issues said 2G must be abolished since it makes kids lazy, doesn't make them run, and would lead to obesity at a later stage. Vijay Dahiya, a former cricketer from the city, however feels that 2G must be brought into mainstream cricket to facilitate the likes of Ashish Nehra and Munaf Patel.

Shah Rukh responsible for Eden Gardens cancellation

Here's the latest twist in the Eden Gardens fiasco: CAB has squarely blamed Kolkata Knight Riders owner Shah Rukh Khan for the World Cup venue cancellation. Says CAB chief Jagmohan Dalmiya - "Ever since SRK didn't retain Saurav Ganguly in Kolkata IPL team, there's been growing dissent in West Bengal, more particularly among the construction workers in Eden Gardens. They have stopped working, and are threatening to blow up completed portions of the stadium, if Saurav isn't offered a place in KKR. They have taken up jobs in hartals and strikes elsewhere in the country, and won't return till they hear a positive result about Dada."

Says Bhattacharya, a worker - "This is atrocious! Dada underperformed in the IPLs deliberately, out of concern for Bengalis. He didn't want us to see the gory sight of Shah Rukh Khan dancing naked on the field. Dada was even under tremendous pressure from Karan Johar to win the IPL for KKR. But being the true Bengali that he is, he dropped catches and scored ducks to save the nation from obscene embarrasments. Saurav Ganguly must be awarded the Bharath Rathna for what he did!"

When mediapersons questioned about Ganguly's omission from KKR, here's what SRK had to say. " I really cannot comment on why the other teams haven't chosen Dada. Everyone has their own plans, and its upto the owners to choose or not to choose a player. All I can say is that Saurav is a fantastic player and a sportsman." When irritated mediapersons again questioned SRK about why HE didn't pick Saurav, they got the same answer. Apparently, Shah Rukh's PR hasn't returned yet from Christmas holidays.

Meanwhile, the bottling industry in West Bengal has hit an all time low. Anticipating a huge turnout for world cup, several bottles were being manufactured for throwing on players' heads. With the match being cancelled, orders have been withdrawn and severe losses have been reported. Reports have it that an attempt to loot all bottles by Tamilnadu CM Karunanidhi, for free distribution in his state, have been thwarted.

Interestingly, Yuvraj Singh seemed very happy at the cancellation of Eden Gardens venue. He has even suggested alternate venues like Dharmasala and Goa. Says Yuvraj - "Its a nightmare for any cricketer to be called 'waterboy' by an 80,000 odd crowd. Hence I've suggested alternate venues with lesser crowd capacity, where a collective 'waterboy' chant will sound like a hymn, rather than a boo." As the saying goes, one's loss is one's gain.