Dig your nose, fight for India!

Commander-in-chief of the Indian Army, Major VK Singh has said that India is war ready, and that the nation is tactically, if not technologically, advanced than most other nations. "The Army Think-tank traveled the length and breadth of India and studied the characteristics of certain people. We believe such subjects covered under our research are the future of the Indian Army. I'll be talking about four groups of people, the rest is classified information, and I can't reveal that."

"There are people who sit right next to you, drill their nose with their fingers, collect the mucus, roll it into a ball, and stick it right under the desk or on the window-grill or simply flick it away to some other co-ordinate in the surrounding. All this they do within microseconds, without you even noticing. And when you look at them, or their fingers, they act like they've been practicing chin-mudra for long and stare into emptiness, like they're some rishi just out of meditation. The Army intends to employ the skills of such people to good use. These people can stick bombs or IEDs on the enemy's tankers, or even roll cannon balls towards them, without anyone noticing. These folks will be inducted in the Infantry division."

"Then there are those extremely competitive and combative lads at the loo. However wide a ditch, or however distant the wall, they somehow manage to land their fluid chi-chi beyond the ditch or on the wall. You know, push themselves forward, the body almost parabolic in shape, to achieve the target. Not just that, they can guide a leaf or stone on the ground into the small outlet on the wall, with their chi-chi, skillfully like a hockey player. They know the in and out of projectiles and trajectory science by birth.These lads will be in the IAF. They can destroy enemy targets without the jet even being spotted. Like, they could be garlanding Mayawati statues in UP, and still bomb a target miles away in Peshawar. They are born pilots!"

"The third category would be the SMS addict citizen. | 'WAT DOIN :)?' || 'I'm reading a magazine' || 'OH K.. WAT DOIN :) :)?? || 'I told you. I'm reading a magazine. Outlook.' || 'OH K K DA.. WAT DOIN??? :) :) :) | Imagine a Pakistani soldier, ready to fire with bazookas, grenades and rockets, and suddenly these guys come out of guerrilla trenches and show giant placards reading 'WAT DOIN?? :) :) :) :)' It would drive them mad, make them question their very purpose and existance, and drive them to a state of dementia. War won. Without bloodshed."

"The fourth class would be the most dangerous. They are our prized possessions. You didn't prepare for the exam, open the book just outside the exam hall to manage to scribble something, and this guy comes running at you and says - "What machi studying?? Shame machi!! Didn't expect this from you. I didn't even TOUCHCH the book", and he snatches the book out of your hand and revises for the nth time. Touch?? He'd probably have had sex with the book much more than it can handle! Well these chaps can win you a war even during ceasefire. Just get them to converse with the enemy soldiers.

'Machi? Promise ah machi... forgot to load the bullets... no machi... didn't TOUCHCH the gun at all.. machi yet to apply for Army' and before the soldier knows, there's a bullet in his head. "

"I request citizens with such alternative skills to utilize their talent properly and contribute them for the betterment of the nation. Jai Hind."

Chetan Bhagat inspired book on IIPM

Following the success of books based on IIT and IIM, Pachaimuthu, a Gobichettipalayam born - IIPM educated grad, has decided to write a book based on his alma-mater IIPM. He goes on to say that with Arindham Chaudry jokes being re-tweeted and forwarded, people are more interested and curious than before to read what IIPM students do. "Well, we did nothing. In this book, I'll be elaborating on how we did nothing at IIPM."

When asked what inspired him to write a book, he said - "Well after graduating from IIPM, job wasn't really an option." Pachaimuthu, who insists on being called PM (well CB isn't really cool sounding but Chetan Bhagat uses it) admitted that his book would be heavily modeled on Five Point Someone. "Five Point Someone book cover has a by-line which reads 'What not to do at IIT'. I will be using a slightly tweaked version of the same which also has an answer in its latter part: 'What not to do at IIPM - join!'

"The book would basically be a journey of dares - Dare to think beyond IIMs, dare to think beyond expecting classes being taken, dare to think beyond getting a job, dare to think beyond getting a degree. Just pay the money, stay for two years and take home an Arindham Chaudry signed certificate.", PM said breathlessly, almost in fury.

Ask him how different it would be from FPS and he replies - "FPS was basically about 3 disinterested students, who in the end failed even to attend their graduation ceremony. My book would be about 3 disinterested IIPM professors, who forget to take classes right from the start. Well in IIPM its not much about students anyway. Its about Arindham Chaudry's jokes."

Title of the book?? "Dare to think beyond the title of the book", he snaps. Well, old habits die hard don't they?

Oracle Paul's last moments captured

The Oberhausen Aquarium officials have revealed to the public the last minutes of Paul the Octopus, who not only shot to fame with his 100% accuracy in predicting results, but was also responsible for throwing several parrots, astrologers & soothsayers out of job. The Aquarium spokesman looked very gloomy, possibly because he had realized that with Paul gone, this could be the last time he could impress his wife by appearing on TV.

"The past few days had been very strenuous for Paul. He was handling several VIP clients, and the nature of the thought process involved behind the predictions drained him mentally. In most of the cases, Paul wasn't able to choose any one of the options with conviction, the way he did during the football world cup. For example, President of the US, Mr.Barack Obama had visited Paul ahead of his Asian tour. He presented Paul with two photos - one of Pakistan foreign minister Mohammad Quereshi and the other of a chipmunk at the Delhi Zoo. Paul was confused as both seemed very similar to him. Finally Paul chose the chipmunk, but the president was disappointed with the long time Paul had to taken & hence he cut down his donation to the aquarium by a few thousand dollars."

"We also had a visitor from News of The World, who wanted Paul's prediction as to which story would be more sensational. On one photo there was Ameer Asif, captain of the Peshawar High school cricket team, whom he wanted to cover regarding a match fixing issue. On the other was Rooney Woods, one of the extras in LOST previous season, whose extra-marital sex affair he wanted to expose. Paul failed to choose one and so the angry NOTW wrote negative comments in the feedback diary. This deeply affected the oracle."

Meanwhile the official also revealed off record that MS Dhoni visited Paul before every game and asked him to choose between Ashish Nehra and Ravindra Jadeja. Either way, it didn't make a big difference in the game and hence Dhoni had stopped paying Paul.

The spokesman continued. "Lalit Modi, one of the Aquarium's premium customers was among the few people who was satisfied with Paul's work. Lalit, who uses the Facebook application 'What has Paul predicted for you' regularly, got answers which were working very well for him. Paul's latest reply on this application said 'One more week of roaming around in London pubs to dodge Enforcement Directorate officials.'

"Other Indians weren't too kind to Paul and demanded him to choose between equally insane choices. BS Yedyurappa wanted Paul to choose between helicopter and hovercraft, to gift to his relatives. Kalanithi Maran wanted to choose between Kalpakkam Nuclear Power Plant and Indian Railways, to merge with his Sun Network group. As a result of such high-pressure activities, Paul's death came too soon. We are all at a loss of words to explain the void that has entered our lives with Paul gone. I along with million others pray for Paul's soul to rest in peace."

Meanwhile videos like 'Proof that Paul the Octopus is alive', 'Real ghost video of Paul', etc have been receiving thousands of hits on YouTube and have started spamming social networking websites. Twitter, which started the day with Arundathi Roy jokes took a sudden turn and moved towards Paul the Octopus jokes. Several regular tweeters are now worried people will keep spamming Twitter with Paul jokes like the 'Sir U made Lakhs' anagram joke.

Arundathi Roy buys Kochi IPL!

Amidst all the controversy, Arundathi Roy has announced to everyone's surprise that she has plans to buy stakes in the Kochi IPL franchisee. The new ownership confusion could further delay Kochi's inclusion in the League. However Arundathi doesn't seem deterred by this and insists that it would actually go well with her plan. "The more the confusion, the more the delay, the more the publicity the franchisee gets. Everyday there would be reporters and cameras and I would get more publicity.", she replies, with an almost orgasmic pleasure.

Mrs. Roy also said her team would be different from other teams in all aspects, and hence the public would root for her team. "To start with, our players won't be using conventional bats. The bats are made out of wood. If the wood is cut down, then the tribal folks in the forests won't have fresh air to breathe. Hence our players would be using bats made out of environment-friendly cotton."

"Even during drinks break, my players won't be consuming any refreshments. Since I go on a Narmada-Bachao Andolan fasting whenever there are cameras, I expect my players to join hands with me. And oh, did I tell you about my team's cheerleaders? Well, for every boundary hit or wicket gone, 4 people will climb the cheerleader stage and shout anti-India slogans and raise their fists. The most photogenic faces will be part of my next strike against any development that contributes to India's growth."

And just before the press-persons were about to leave, Arundathi Roy revealed another shocker. "In all the matches, I'll be seen on TV hugging or putting my hands around Geelani." Seeing the puzzled looks, she explained. "Well Preity is always seen with Yuvraj Singh. Shilpa is always seen with Raj Kundra. And then there's Deepika for Sid Mallya. So....."

One last question. Who would be the captain of your team? "On keeping with my tradition of supporting ideas that are largely unpopular with the common man, I appoint Ravindra Jadeja as the captain of my team."