Airtel signs Ashish Nehra as new brand ambassador

Bharti Airtel, India's top cellular operator, which recently underwent a brand makeover, has now decided to have a new brand ambassador. The Sunil Bharti Mittal led enterprise has now signed a five year deal with India pacer Ashish Nehra. Mr. Mittal unveiled Nehra to glittering ceremony attended by a few journalists, and many umpires, who have had to unwillingly face Nehra on his way back to his bowling mark.

Explained Mr. Mittal - "Our new brand ambassador has been chosen in tune with the reception our new logo has received. Since hardly few people appreciate the new logo, we decided to rope in someone who gets hardly noticed. What better choice than Ashish Nehra, who has been in the Indian team for years, and yet has hardly been mentioned in columns, acted in advertisements or been called water-boy by the crowd. Nehra also invokes self-pity after being smashed for boundaries over after over. With hundreds of crores being spent on rebranding, and still none noticing, we're in the same position. There you go, another similarity!"

After some thought, Mittal explained that Nehra also stood for the company's commitment and positioning in the public. "Airtel resonates trust among its users, the same way batsmen trust Ashish Nehra's bowling. His chased-by-a-stray-dog-running-with-a-hurt-leg run up makes even an under-12 batsman trust his bad balls. Also, our services and products are very transparent. Nehra is synonymous with transparency in the cricketing world. I mean, no bowler would grin at the umpire, symbolically show 'outside the stump line' with his hands, shake his head and mouth 'Outside ehhh?' after a loud LBW appeal! Even umpires get bewildered."

It has been learnt that the advertisements featuring Nehra will be handled by O&M ads. O&M has made critically acclaimed ads like the very creative Zandu balm ad featuring Delhi Daredevils players dancing on a running train. Sources revealed that the new Airtel ad would be very similar to the classic Nijam Paaku tamil ad. The Nijam Pakku ad shows a kid's face morphing into an adult's face, which morphs into a grandfather's face, to show the compatibility of Nijam pakku with all age groups. The same way, the new ad would feature SS Das's face, which morphs into Vijay Bharadwaj's face, which morphs to Nikhil Chopra's face, and finally to a grinning Nehra's face (all hardly noticed players), which then magically morphs into the new stylish Airtel swoosh.

"Talk less, fart more" -Dr. Ferguson

After years of research, thousands of tests on subjects and billions of dollars on funding, scientists at John Hopkins University have finally concluded that the best way to release stress and mental tensions, and rejuvenate the self is by farting. JHU is famous for ground-breaking and life-changing researches like 'Classroom sleepers make better boardroom managers','Watching porn movies helps increase attention span of teenagers' and 'Justin Bibier makes men feel more confident about their appearances'.

Says lead researcher Dr.Ferguson - "Essentially, farting is all about releasing non-essential gases from the body, thus making one feel lighter. It helps one feel more calm, relaxed and happy. Why, by Newton's third law, a good fart helps one progress forward in life."

Dr.Ferguson also said farting outweighed all other forms of relaxation like yoga, oil-massage, meditation, etc. He also explained the various advantages of farting over other rejuvenation techniques. "Farting is an instantaneous activity. It doesn't consume much time. I mean, if you missed your deadline, and your boss yells at you, what would you do? Sit on the carpet and do yoga? Or turn your back and fart? Farting helps one relax anywhere, any number of times."

Going a step further, JHU's Institute of Fartography has classified, and named different types of farting, and has also recommended each for a unique form of relaxation. Farting has mainly been classified into 4 main types - B.U.R, bussss, PUrrrr, pssss....sss.

* B.U.R - half a second, non-gaseous, odour-free, high decibel.

* bussss - 3 to 5 seconds, gaseous, odour-free, zero decibel, hissing sound fart.

* PUrrrr - 4 to 6 seconds, gaseous/non-gaseous,odour/odourless, descending sound intensity, hungry kitten fart.

* pssss...sss - 6 to 8 seconds, highly gaseous, terminal odour, zero-decibel, identifiable only by guilt on the face killer bomb.

Continued Dr. Ferguson - "Each of the above should be used at different situations. Inappropriate use could kill the joy of farting. B.U.R should be used when.. like your boss announces your salary appraisal has been cancelled. You feel like saying Fu*k. Just substitute it with B.U.R. You could bussss when you patiently sit down and analyse why your appraisal has been cancelled. You PUrrrr when you're really hurt. Like when you learn your subordinate has an appraisal and you don't. Its a "Why me??"fart. You psss...sss when you finally find out the whole world is against your appraisal, give up all hopes, and don't give a damn to others. Farting is in fact a beautiful way of non-verbal communication."

Dr. Ferguson has received funding from the European Union for his further research to prove that contrary to popular perception, the size of a human being is inversely proportional to the sound intensity of his fart. Signing off, he advised mankind to talk less and fart more, and that a fart a day keeps everyone away.

How Nira Radia made 300 crores in 9 years

Retired CBI cop Subbiah, who heads the secret committee formed by the government to probe into how Nira Radia amassed 300 crores in 9 years, has submitted a simple, one paragraph report to the Prime Minister's Office. As is usual, journalists read the report even before the PM did. Writes Subbiah - "It is astounding and a matter of utmost shame that the CBI couldn't crack such a simple case. Nira Radia had been using a Virgin Mobile SIM, and she had been getting paid for incoming. Considering that her clientele include Ratan Tata, Anil Ambani and other top-shots, it is no surprise that she received incoming calls of long durations. It was just a matter of applying logic. I would strongly advice the PMO to look into the falling standards of CBI officers." Subbiah, a 1970 batch IPS officer, is also an alumni of the first batch of "Vendan All Pass Tutorials".

Meanwhile, several entrepreneurs, taking a cue from Nira Radia, have started making crores of money. Their strategy involves sticking "Earn 1 lakh per month. No investment required. Call 9001002010" posters in trains and buses. When called, they simply respond by asking the caller to purchase Virgin Mobile and stick similar posters all over the city. It is being rumored that the wallpaper of all Tamilnadu State Transport Corporation employees has been changed to such posters.

In business news, Airtel has announced that it will rename its "Call your loved ones @ 10 paise per minute" plan to "Nira Radia-Ratan Tata" night time calls plan". The move is expected to offer customers more clarity and connect with the rate-cutter plan.

How do satirists impress girls??

Every man has a constant urge to impress his opposite sex. Every man has his own unique way of impressing women, using skill sets that he was either born with, or arts that he was forced to learn as a child because his parent's colleague's children were learning them too. Such skills or arts include music, dancing, karate, swimming, abacus, etc etc.

Now here is my question. How can a person, devoid of any of the above mentioned type of skills, impress girls? Well, I've been having problems impressing girls right from a very young age. Like from when I was 5 years old or so. The 10 to 15 years-older-than-me girls never found me cute. I mean, I was no match for Vignesh who would run around my apartment naked, chanting all countries-and-their-capitals, getting hair-ruffles or kisses from the gorgeous girls. Out of ambition, I remember I once removed all my clothes and ran around, but I couldn't really get the capitals right. After New Delhi, I could only say Chennai, and then Mambalam, Chromepet, Saidapet. Of course none noticed my antics except Giri, another poor boy who didn't know countries and capitals. Giri appointed me conductor, and himself driver and offered to play driver-conductor with me.

Relatively speaking, I can safely say I was born with a decent sense of humor and sarcasm. Yes, girls did laugh at some of the jokes, but I couldn't really get a move on. So satire or humor as an art for impressing chicks didn't work for me.

There was this fancy dress competition in school. On stage was Prabhu, dressed up as Lord Ganesha, left hand in mouth, right hand in 'blessing' posture as his parents had taught him, reciting "Gajananam bhootha ganaathi...", elongating every word for like 10 seconds. When he finally did finish, all the 10th to 12th standard 'akkas' ran to him and pinched his cheeks, with 'soooo cute' comments. I found him totally stupid! I mean, if he was Lord Ganesha, why was he reciting "Gajanam" and seeking his own blessings for himself?? It was my turn next. I was pretty confident I would get more cheek-pinches than Prabhu. I went on stage, forgot my lines, mistook the mike for a cone ice-cream, bit it, made everyone laugh, but well, no cheek-pinches. I realized my incompetency at that very young age.

Years passed by. While my friends were impressing girls dropping catches, singing the same song every annual day, writing the same "Is technology a boon or bane" essay every year, here I was, making fun of them, but unable to meet their popularity. One sudden day, I realized I have a talent too - satire. I remembered an artist friend of mine, passing on his album to girls, impressing every single one of them. I decided to follow suit. I planned to write a satire about Suresh Kalmadi, print it on flyers, and distribute it to every good looking girl I saw. But next day, there was some A.Raja and I realized people wouldn't really be able to connect with my satire about Kalmadi. I thought I'd become an artist too, atleast to impress girls. But beyond a point, I couldn't really innovate the two-mountains-orange sun-in-between-two crows art of mine.

So I really don't have another option other than satire. But hell, many girls don't even know what satire is!! Yeah, I do get positive comments from Tweeters and bloggers occasionally. But girls?? No-no. Unless Zulquarnin Haider disappears or re-appears on my annual day or culturals, and I'm allowed to live-stream my blog article on stage, I don't think I stand a chance.

Nira Radia, Ratan Tata, A. Raja and more

Sting operation journalists have finally cracked open the mystery as to why Mr. Ratan Tata, head of the Tata conglomerate, is so uncomfortable with his Nira Radia telephonic converstions going public. It has been learnt that, all these days, Mr. Tata had never ever called Nira Radia. Rather, he'd only been giving her missed calls, and it was Miss Radia who kept calling Mr. Tata back. Despite several protests, requests, warnings and profanities from Radia, Mr. Tata had simply refused to recharge his mobile account, and continued to irritate Miss Radia with his missed call antics.

It was in this backdrop that Nira Radia had lobbied with former Telecom Minister A. Raja. Together, the Radia-Raja duo had siphoned off funds from the Telecom Department Exchequer to frequently top up Ratan Tata's Docomo SIM, often Rs.10 denominations. This has infuriated a number of law officials. Said an official under anonymity - "Under the UPA government norms, we have a lower cap or minimum amount that can be robbed off common man's tax money. This lower cap is determined and increased every financial quarter. For this quarter, the cap is Rs. 1 crore. By not being able to siphon off Rs. 1 crore, Ratan Tata has brazenly violated the law of the land. The government will take appropriate action on him."

Meanwhile, Mr. Kapil Sibal, present Telecom Minister, said the issue was too sensitive a one to be realeased for public disclosure. Says Mr. Sibal - "If the public learns about Mr. Ratan Tata's 'missed call' culture, it may prompt several people to follow suit. Soon, people will stop recharging their mobile accounts. Telecom operators will lose a lot of money, and this will reflect on the stock performances. Ultimately, this 'missed call' gate will affect the nation's economy and accrue inflation."

In another shocking relevation, Nira Radia has said that her meet up with A. Raja was never a planned one. She maintained that she got introduced to Raja by accident. A message intercept between the corporate lobbyist and Raja confirms the same. The intercepts have been given below.
Nira Radia (NR): Hey what doing?
Raja: Vetti. Pocketing money.
NR: Oops sorry wrongly sent.
Raja: Its k... ur name??
NR: Nira Radia.
Raja: Boy or gal??
NR: Girl. Lady rather.
Raja: :-) :-) hai will u b my frend????? :-D :-)
Further intercepts of Raja's mobile showed he corresponded with his DMK comrades about his new found friend.
TO: Azhagiri, Stalin, Dhayanidhi, Udhayanidhi, Kalanidhi
Message: Machi got a new figure's number machi..... :-) :-) Name s Nira Radia. Nice name noo?? :-)