Kalmadi's exclusive interview to The Sunday Indian

Mission Antarctica & Lalit Bhanot's memorable moment

Amid all the cynicism about the CWG, here’s some refreshing news. Pappu, a resident of New Delhi, will embark on a marathon run from New Delhi to Antarctica, to commemorate the beginning of the CWG games. Aptly, he’ll reach Antarctica on 3rd October 2010, the date when the opening ceremony for the games commences. He said he was doing this to create awareness about Kalmadi-flu, the latest epidemic break in Delhi. About why he chose Antarctica, he says that’s the farthest he can get from Delhi.

Ask him what inspired him to go on this run, and he gets all excited. “I always wanted to be a social worker. Giving back to the society had always been at the back of my mind. Hearing about my initiative, several others have also started running to different parts of the world from Delhi. I’m very happy I’ve been a role model for several others.” Meanwhile it has been learnt that he’ll be welcomed in Antarctica by other wise Delhites, who chose to flee to Antarctica way back in 2006, when the successful bid was announced.

What motivates him to run farther? Replies Pappu – “I just switch on the TV or read the newspaper about the Games preparations and falling bridges. I get this sudden burst of energy, and I start practicing running out of Delhi.”

Mention Lalit Bhanot, and he turns nostalgic. “Lalit uncle is very sweet. Not very tech-savvy, but yes, very sweet. Once he was peeing in my neighborhood. Out of pity, I offered to let him use my toilet. Bhanot uncle’s eyes were full of tears and he said he wished even he had relatives abroad who would gift him a toilet bowls. He saw my toilet bowl and got all excited and exclaimed it was like being in a Hollywood movie set. Even today, uncle’s desk at CWG HQ has a photo-frame showing him sitting on the toilet bowl, showing thumbs-up sign. It still remains on of his most unforgettable moments.”

Before signing off, Pappu request all Indians to support and accommodate people of Delhi until the Games get over.

Mumbai Indians dropped catches mystery solved!

Finally, journalists, cricket experts and fans around the world have got answers as to why Mumbai Indians players dropped so many catches. Captain Sachin Tendulkar, in an exclusive interview divulged to reporters that the high tech Spidercam was responsible for players not holding on to catches. "Whenever the ball went high up in the air, the Spidercam came out of nowhere and came down towards us faster than the ball. As a result, many players thought the cam was going to crash land on them, and so moved away. The camera would then circle around us, thus showing to the world in 360 degrees our body language after dropping the catch. After the dropped catch, we couldn't collect the ball and throw it back to the bowler too, since the cables were all around us and the spidercam operator wanted a perfect-shot before we got back to the ball again."

Surprisingly, the little master also blamed Spidercam for the team's decision to send Pollard lower down the batting order. "Well Pollard is a tall man. Sometimes, his head gets stuck to the spidercam and he gets carried all over the ground before our team manager talks to the technicians to drop him off at the crease. But by then, the game almost gets over."

Meanwhile, Saurabh Tiwary revealed even more shocking revelations. "In my case, the player mic also conspired against me. There was this ball in the air, the Spidercam floating towards me, and the earphone microphone crackled to life. 'Chin up.. angle your face left... look into the lens... and SMILE'. I just did what was told to me. I was even told the shot was perfect. Only when I came back to the dug out did Jonty Rhodes tell me that I had dropped a catch."

The technology hasn't gone too well with the umpires too. Says Aleem Dar - "We've been having difficulty judging run outs, especially the leg umpires. Sometimes we feel someone is nudging our back or tickling our butt. On reflex, we thought it was Bhajji(when Mumbai played) or Raina (when CSK played). Only later did we realize that it was the Spidercam, focussing on the batsman from between our legs!"

However, Champions League CEO Raman Sundararman remains undeterred. Taking a cue from his former boss Lalit Modi, he plans to put this technology to maximum use and make the sport fan-friendly. "We have struck a deal with Cox & Kings Holidays Pvt Ltd. According to this, every day, a lucky winner will get to tour the whole stadium sitting on the Spideycam. He will also get to interact with players and get autographs from them as they are playing."

CWG jokes increase India's GDP

Following the stupendous success of the Commonwealth Games jokes market in India, several other countries are emulating contending for the next CWG. Many nations have already started sending Group of Ministers to study various joke patterns. England has gone one step further: Roads leading to 10 Downing Street have all been dug up, thus symbolically announcing England's bid for CWG 2014.

Trade analysts say that this isn't surprising, considering that people read more CWG jokes than CWG news, and that the demand for jokes will only keep growing as the opening ceremony nears. A top publishing firm has confirmed that it would be releasing a book - a compilation of all the jokes about the CWG. It also revealed that the first copy of the book would be given to Mr.Suresh Kalmadi, a central character in the book. It is rumoured that 20th Century Fox Film Corporation has bought the film rights for the book and it would soon be made into a major motion picture.

An internet market analysis company, which researched blogs and websites which publish CWG jokes, has divulged that several FMCG, telecommunication and other hot brands now advertise in CWG satire websites. The revenues generated by such websites have been so number crunching, that some of them have actually decided to sponsor the CWG Games. Search engine operators Yahoo! and Google have said that 'CWG jokes, CWG humour', etc are the most searched topics. In fact, State cellular operator BSNL offers SMS subscriptions to 'CWG joke of the day' at Rs.10 per month. Tata Docomo launched the same service at 1 paise per month, but customers say they have to climb poles and sit for a few hours to 'collect' messages.

The human costs have also been very benefiting. Several people who had registered with the Delhi Employment Exchange have been given job offers as field-satirists. Celebrities, especially film personalities, who haven't been signed up for any movie, now entertain their fans with fresh CWG jokes. The games have also proved to be a blessing in disguise for retired class. Says a recently retired school teacher: "I was always worried what I'd do after retirement, was worried if boredom would kill me. But thanks to Mr. Kalmadi, I entertain myself most of the day reading and writing CWG jokes."

The bleeding aviation industry has also jumped in. Air India has come up with a novel idea to entertain the participating athletes and passengers. The backside of every ticket will have a CWG cartoon to keep them entertained. Realizing the huge potential that these jokes can generate, several institutes overseas now offer Diploma in CWG Satires. Will there ever be a saturation? "Of course not" says a person familiar with the developments. "These jokes are everywhere. From the theme song, to the lyrics, to the sponsors, to the organizers, to the roads, to the stadiums, these are just obnoxious. There will never be an end to them, even after the CWG ends. This field is completely recession proof."

How Arnob won the Bharat Rathna - a true story!

Arnob wasn't a happy man. There was a blank expression on his face which indicated helplessness. Things weren't going as easy as he expected them to. With great difficulty, he, along with his belly, stoop up from his workstation seat and began walking towards the window. His co-workers at Air Traffic Control, IGI New Delhi, began whispering to each other - "Something is terribly wrong. Arnob saahab doesn't walk to the window when he isn't chewing paan bahaar!" Arnob opened the window. It was bright and sunny outside. Even the weather gods were against him.

He had to think. "I can't give up after trying this hard, this long.", he said to himself. But his brain simply refused to come up with alternatives. Just then, he saw the NO SMOKING sign. Despite the tense situation he was in, he allowed himself to smile. "Yeah, I Know Smoking :-)" Every time he was out of ideas, or his lungs demanded early retirement, there were always these NO SMOKING signs that reminded him to smoke. The government at-least knew when its citizen wanted to smoke, he thought.

Arnob had been very careful and meticulous in his planning. It had even drained him financially, but he had to do it. The Superbug could've been named after any other place - Kolkata or Kanyakumari or Port Blair. But he had bribed the International Medical Association to name the Superbug as New Delhi. It had cost him lots, but the purpose had been achieved. Any negative news should help, he reasoned.

He was also physically drained. His frequent flights to Chennai, by Indian Airlines, to meet his friend, had nearly broken his back. Arnob had known his friend since the days he was known as Dilip Kumar. It hadn't been easy convincing him. "You know what will happen if people start liking your song. And still you want to do it? How much money do you want?" Hearing this, Dilip Kumar, now A.R. Rahman, had slapped him hard and said - "I love the nation as much as you do. Take my word, I'll compose a bad tune. I don't want extra money for it. Jai Hind." Another problem had been solved.

The Bio Weapons Wing, Arnob's right hand of sorts, had been doing a fairly good job till now. It had ensured the release of dengue laden mosquitoes all over Delhi. To compliment his, Arnob had pressurized all doctors to go on an indefinite strike. But despite all these efforts, international flights were still landing in Delhi. That wouldn't be good for his country. No, he wouldn't let it happen. National pride came first. He wanted his son to wave the tricolor flag with pride every alternate day India played Sri Lanka. The time had come. He had made up his mind, came up with a solution. If he had to sacrifice his life to save his nation, he would do so!

He ran down the steps of ATC building, through the waiting lounges, through the parking bays and then the Main Run Way. He could see a flight making its way to land. The timing was apt, he thought. He removed his dress and laid face down on the runway. He closed his eyes, said his prayers and wondered if he'd forgotten anything. And he remembered. How could he have forgotten? He took his mobile, logged onto Facebook, and updated his status - "Gonna die. For the nation." Within seconds, there were some 10 likes, apart from 'Cooool', 'aweeesome' comments. An Airbus was running towards him at lightning speed. It came to a halt, inches away from him, making screeching noises, and turning 90 degrees in the process. The pilot craned his neck out of his cockpit and said - "Mate, get out of my way. I've a flight to park." Arnob said - "Dude, if your flight happens to reach the bay, then it shall be over my dead body. I dare you to run your flight over my body." Brave Arnob remained stubborn till the end. Meanwhile, traffic was accumulating behind the Airbus, both on the runway and in the air. Left with no other choice, all flights were diverted away from Delhi.

"Finally! I did it. For my nation. Jai Hind!" A few years from then, Arnob was awarded with the Bharat Rathna, India's highest civilian honor, for saving India from blushes by stopping the CWG games from happening.